(BL) Taming the Field Guide-Chapter 55: Sergei’s thoughts

Sergei’s body jolted awake, his eyes snapping open as instead of the fear thrumming situation he had been in, his eyes met the off white fabric of the tent above him.

His heart pounding, his pulse racing, Sergei lay stock still for a moment, gathering himself. He clenched his fingers on the fabric below him. On the sheets, on the thin but firm cot he was lying on. He took a moment to look around the tent he was in, forcing himself to realise he was in the moment.

He wasn’t trapped in that fucking hell anymore.

Slowly, cautiously, he raised a hand and ran it over his face. He ignored how his hand was shaking as he did so, he checked to make sure he had all of his piercings. When he felt all of them, a part of him settled.

He didn’t have piercings back then, and he thankfully hadn’t torn any out while he was asleep. Small blessings, he supposed.

Sergei turned his gaze towards the rest of the tent. The carpet that his Lieutenant had insisted on to make it feel ’more like a home’. They’d died two years after they had made him get the carpet and Sergei couldn’t bring himself to replace it. It was raggedy, torn. Should be replaced. You couldn’t even see the pattern that was supposed to be there, but Sergei would never replace it.

On top of the carpet, besides his sturdy cot, was a desk overflowing with papers, machines, all sorts of odd things that he had been given to repair. Sergei often did repair work on their malfunctioning machines himself. He liked working with his hands and it kept him focused.

It kept him sane currently, so there were far more around then there normally was.

The table was also worn, the right leg in particular had a groove in the lower leg due to Sergei rubbing his boot against it. Should Sergei replace it? Probably. He wasn’t going to do so until it collapsed though.

He had a chest for all of his clothes, as well as a small nightstand where an old school alarm sat. It was broken, something he hadn’t had time to repair since it didn’t really matter. Sergei rarely slept these days.

He’d always had trouble sleeping, but it had gotten worse since the gate explosion, or whatever the hell it had been. Sergei felt his rage surge inside of himself, and quietly pushed it down. It simmered too quickly these days. Sergei knew he needed to deal with it. He knew he was too important to let his own feelings get in the way of everything, but it was frustrating.

Sergei may have been good at waiting, but that did not mean he liked it.

The small, little folded crane made from a biodegradable straw wrapper sat on his bedside table in a place of honour. A memory that he would never be able to forget, with a person who he would not be able to stop thinking about even if he wanted to. Had he expected his heart to lurch towards them?

Sergei assumed that most people would think he would say no. The man was so completely opposite of Sergei, there was almost humour in it. They made...an odd pair. A bright, happy, dangerous man who laughed and smiled at anyone and everyone. Shining hair, shining personality. Everyone who encountered him had a positive reaction to him. They would leave with a good impression of him unless you truly messed up, and then you didn’t have to worry about him.

You had to worry about his partner in crime.

Then, you had Sergei. Tall, imposing in a bad way. Short, dark hair close to his scalp. Quiet. He didn’t speak much and that intimidated others. He didn’t smile easily, either. He knew that his piercings and his tattoos didn’t help his image, and made the tone of his skin stand out more but...they soothed him. The pain, the reminder and the fact he had to tend to the piercings himself helped keep him grounded.

Sane.

Every S Class had something that they did to maintain themselves. This was Sergei’s. He would bet that Sakura’s was maintaining her girly body. The pink, the frills, the hair colour, all of it. Sergei would never ask, it wasn’t his place and honestly? It would come off rude. Sergei didn’t like being rude, especially to the other Captain who was helping keep him sane right now.

The fact he was even having these kinds of thoughts told Sergei that his sanity was slipping. He wasn’t normally one to reflect on these kinds of things. He wasn’t a thoughtful kind of man, at least, not in the reflecting kind of way.

He liked to take care of his people now that he had people to take care of. He liked having a city to call his own. He liked being responsible for others and taking care of them. It was probably why what happened to Brent had hurt him so much worse than anyone else was aware of.

No one but Beth knew how bad it was. Beth was his right hand man, er, woman out here. She had taken over, swapping out with Lieutenant Howard so that he could go back to the city while Sergei remained here.

Sergei would have liked to go back to the city. Would have really, really liked it actually, but someone needed to remain here. Tragically, he was the best fit to stay behind. He had no family remaining in town, and Kellen and Rhys were...Kellen was severely injured, needed treatment and Sakura’s Guild was helping with it.

If the D.E.C. hadn’t shit the damn bed, they would have had another S Class to help fill the gap, but that wasn’t possible right now. No fault to Lieutenant Fisher, but it wasn’t like the front lines were a place safe for him. Not until he got that pay raise and was able to afford one of the nicer, hovering tech wheelchairs.

Sergei sat up, frowning as he thought about that a bit more. No, it was actually insane that they hadn’t made that accommodation for him already, since he was the stand in leader while they figured their shit out. He was hoping this was just a preference thing and not an alienation thing.

He hoped, at least. Otherwise, he would have to bring it up at their next meeting. If he could remember this moment and thought.

"Captain?" It was Beth, coming to check on him. She kept doing that. It was like she was afraid of the answer sometimes. She stood outside of his tent flap, affording him some privacy. Sergei let out a chuckle. 𝙧𝙚𝙚𝔀𝒆𝓫𝓷𝙤𝓿𝒆𝙡.𝒄𝙤𝓶

"It’s just a sheet of fabric, Beth." Sergei told her. He had told her that every time since she had first done this, and by now it was just a ritual. Beth pushed the fabric to the side, giving him a smile as she entered. Her hair was combed back, out of her face, and her sharp, grey gaze scanned him. It made Sergei chuckle. The others had a hard time deciphering when she was using her powers or not because her gaze was already so similar to the shade her eyes went when she used her powers.

"You are still afforded privacy, Captain." She told him, the fabric falling behind her. Her gaze grew more concerned as she scanned him again. "You didn’t sleep well again, did you?" She asked, her face twisting with worry. Sergei waved off her worry with a small wave as he got to his feet. His body ached, but that was partly due to the cot, and how his powers wanted to tear him apart.

A fun perk of being a telekinetic.

"I never sleep well." He reminded her, but she didn’t stop frowning.

"You need more guiding." She said and Sergei felt his spine stiffen. He immediately wanted to tell her no. To push her out of the tent, not caring if she was hurt in the moment. His rejection was so violent inside of him that he wanted others to feel it as well.

Noting his own feelings, Sergei ran another calm, collecting hand over his face, feeling his piercings, and sighed.

"I know." He admitted, realising in the last few days, hell, weeks, that Beth needed that acknowledgement from him. That he was aware of the condition he was deteriorating into. "I know Beth, but..."

"Do not ’but’ me." Beth said, her back straightening, her eyes glowing with her own powers, and her head tilting down. It was about as close to a battle stance as the woman got, and Sergei felt his lips turn up. It was cute of her that she thought she could take him. "You better march your butt down to the guiding tent or so help me, I’ll call Field Guide Woods." It was a threat, and tragically, it worked.

Sergei felt his body stiffen as the words left her mouth. It had nothing to do with Kellen being an actual threat to him, but who Kellen was attached to.

"Beth." Sergei started. "Why are you threatening me like this?" Sergei asked, confused, and Beth’s expression faltered slightly.

"Because you just raised your hand as if you were going to use your powers." That had Sergei pausing.

Sergei worked hard, very hard, to be in control. Up until recently he’d had no problem remaining in control. Whatever the world threw at him, he’d been able to handle. He’d been blessed to be able to do what he loved, he was a good leader, and he had been able to accept that he was probably going to be alone in his standing. He had a feeling, from a young age, that he was going to be the only S Class in his year group that ended up alone.

Partially for his own protection, and the protection of his people. A lone pillar that others would attack.

That had changed only a mere month ago. No, it was longer than that, but it was about a month ago that Sergei felt like his whole world and plans had shattered. He’d had to go under, something he never would have considered but he could sense he was unstable. He needed to keep his people safe over...over his own feelings.

However, they were bleeding into real life now, and that was...that was concerning. If he had raised his hand as if to use his powers he was worse off than even he thought.

Sergei hated this. He hated the thought of someone else touching him, even briefly. He’d never been like this before, and he had no one else around him that he could speak to about this. It was just him, alone, stuck at the front lines while life happened around him.

That had never bothered him before, but now? Now Sergei was pissed. He was done standing still. He was done remaining a single pillar. He needed something with him. Not just anyone, but a particular person. A man who laughed easily, and held others with the same ease.

A man who had looked at Sergei, saw what was happening between them, and had grown scared. Not because of who Sergei was, but because of what was happening between them. A man who had drawn a laugh out of Sergei when he wasn’t in the mood, and who had slid into his lap like it was where he belonged.

A man who had the skill to fold paper cranes with one hand.

Sergei sighed.

"I’ll go." He muttered bitterly and Beth exhaled. It was the best he could do, even as every part of him bled yellow and green. Crying out for a man who wasn’t here beside him.