Eighteen's Bed-Chapter 18.7: My Graduation Day (7)

It was night. Someone, impolite as usual, was loudly banging on the front door. At that moment, I was buried deep under my warm blankets, in an unusually deep sleep.

“...Sang.”

“...Mm.”

“Student.”

“....”

It was the first time the housekeeper had woken me up at this hour. I opened my eyes and, upon seeing her face directly in front of me, I widened my eyes in surprise. She calmly explained the situation.

“There’s a guest... should I open the door for them?”

At first, I couldn’t believe it and frowned as I checked the time. It was 4:20 AM.

“At this hour?”

“Yeah.”

“Who is it?”

“Uhm...”

Even without saying it, I knew. It was Go Yohan. The stress hit me all at once, and I threw myself back into bed, groaning in frustration.

“...Ugh.”

“Should I just ignore it?”

“Are they still knocking?”

“Yes.”

The housekeeper glanced over at the open door and, as usual, spoke in her flat tone.

“Actually, it's been 1 hour and 20 minutes.”

“...What?”

I was momentarily speechless.

So they had been ignored before. And now, unable to ignore it any longer, they had come to find me. The fact that they’d been pressing the doorbell and knocking for over 80 minutes wasn’t just weird—it was definitely abnormal. I exhaled heavily, trying to calm down.

“Go back and rest.”

“What should we do?”

“I’ll handle it. Sorry for waking you up. You must be tired. Please go and get some sleep.”

“Alright.”

Once I gave her my assurance, the housekeeper left the room. I watched her cold figure as she walked away before sitting up in bed. I shook my hand through the bangs I had grown too long. If I stood up too suddenly, my blood pressure would drop, so I quietly stayed still for a moment before carefully rising from the bed.

The winter dawn air was cold. Stepping into the garden, it seemed snow had fallen during the night. In the stillness, I could hear the cold gate making a dull sound, ringing out rhythmically.

And then I heard his voice.

“Jun-ah.”

Before opening the door, I quickly pulled my top tighter around myself and stared blankly at the gate.

“Jun-ahh.”

From the small gap at the bottom of the gate, I could see his familiar shoes and ankles.

“Jun-ah, are you there?”

Mud was stuck to the soles of his shoes, and there were still snowflakes on the tip of them. He breathed out white mist as he waited, then began moving again. Even as I grabbed the bolt, I hesitated.

I didn’t want to open it. I wanted to ignore him. But I couldn’t betray my lifelong values. I was someone who cared obsessively about how others saw me. I didn’t want the disgusting rumors spreading around this neighborhood I had no intention of leaving. Surely, Go Yohan knew that. If he came to the front of my house, I would open the door no matter what.

It was unavoidable. Once I had resigned myself to it, there was nothing to do but accept it. I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply. My bangs fluttered. With trembling hands, I unlocked the bolt and opened the door. Immediately, a strong smell of alcohol hit me.

“...!”

I quickly raised my hand to cover my nose and mouth.

“What’s this...?”

“Oh? Jun’s out.”

“Did you, by any chance, drink?”

“I drank blood.”

What nonsense was this? Rubbing my throbbing forehead, the meaning of his words finally clicked.

“...Jesus’s?”

“No, idiot. How could I drink Jesus's blood? I drank alcohol.”

I heard the sound of his tongue clicking.

“A little bit.”

He’s completely out of his mind. He’s really lost it. The guy who preached about people falling into hell for breaking the rules is acting like this? I frowned at the ridiculous display. My irritation flared up, but I {N•o•v•e•l•i•g•h•t} took a deep breath and slowly closed my eyes. What was the point of getting angry? Things never went the way I wanted them to anyway.

It was already over once I opened the door.

Once I gave up, my mind calmed. At least I wouldn't be confused anymore. Maybe I should turn to religion, after all. I shook my head lightly as I opened my eyes. Go Yohan, who had been chuckling the whole time, met my gaze. The moment our eyes met, I thought I saw Go Yohan hesitate.

No, I thought I did. I had to think more logically. I clicked my tongue at my pathetic guess.

“...Whatever. I’ll be an adult soon.”

He probably thought I clicked my tongue at him. Judging by his excuse. But it was better than having a long conversation, so I just ignored it.

“People say, when you're feeling down, drinking makes you feel better. So I drank a bit.”

“...”

“I think that’s true.”

He lifted his long legs slightly onto his toes. What did he even have to be depressed about? It was ridiculous.

“Doesn't Christianity prohibit drinking?”

“I’m Catholic.”

Heh. Narrowing his eyes and chuckling, it almost felt like he was spilling laughter all over the floor.

“Priests die from alcohol addiction.”

“Don’t insult the religion I believe in.”

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

I stared at Go Yohan silently. My frozen salivary glands ached.

“Just leave.”

If Go Yohan made a face like he was about to cry, I probably misinterpreted it. But seeing his shameless self, not budging an inch even with my strong refusal, I spoke even more harshly.

“You should be grateful I even opened the door. Get the hell out of my sight now.”

“...You’re harsh.”

“I won’t see you again anyway, so there’s no point in being careful.”

Did I ever hear the sound of snow accumulating? If I hadn’t, today would be the first time. So this was what they meant by snow accumulating. It was that quiet. Even on Go Yohan’s black hair, the snow piled up. A snowflake lightly settled on his long eyelashes.

“...You’re not going to see me again?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Just asking me that is already irritating.”

“...”

“So please, just leave. I’m begging you.”

“...I don’t want that place.”

Pfft. Go Yohan puffed his lower lip and exhaled.

“Everyone in that house hates me.”

“...”

“I want to be loved. Jun-ah.”

The words he suddenly said, drunk, were a far cry from the usual Go Yohan. He had really hit rock bottom, hadn’t he? Or maybe this was his true nature showing. Had he really never smoked or drunk before? How would I know? Maybe he did it secretly. Everything felt suspicious.

So, I mocked him. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

“It’s fine.”

“...Huh?”

“They say you’re loved.”

Go Yohan stood blankly outside the gate. I couldn’t tell how long he had been out there, but his already pale skin had turned red from the frostbite. He stood there, dumbfounded, and a small puff of breath escaped from his lips.

“By whom?”

“Just heard it somewhere.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. Who exactly am I loved by?”

The strange way he asked was pitiful. It felt wrong. Usually, the right question would have been who I heard it from, right?

“Who else does that person love, if not me? Someone better than me?”

“...Hey, Go Yohan.”

“Who else?”

“Go Yohan.”

Why do I always have to deal with uninvited guests at my front door? And why do I always have to counsel them? And why do I keep listening to them even though I could kick them out? It was like it was my fate, that it was meant to happen.

I suddenly looked at the sky. The stars were nowhere to be seen. There must have been stars up there, but the bright city lights obscured them.

I slowly opened my mouth. My breath rose into the sky.

This would be the last time.

“There’s no one in this world who will love just you. Even my parents, who always say ‘I love you, my son,’ love their work more than me.”

Read latest chapters at freёweɓnovel.com Only.

“...”

“I learned that in middle school. Why are you so late to figure it out?”

The word “pass” had given me courage. Only after dropping everything did I get a chance to live the life I wanted. Only then was I able to speak the words I wanted to say. I could leave whenever I wanted. There was nothing holding me back anymore. That sense of liberation exhilarated me.

But Go Yohan, on the other hand, shrank. Strangely, as graduation approached, he weakened. The more I became generous, the more fragile Go Yohan became. Even now, he was muttering under his breath.

“It’s not like that.”

I got irritated. I didn’t even know why I was so mad at him. I just hated him, for no reason.

“You can’t have everything you want. You can’t always be the best in every situation.”

“I’m not like that.”

“You need to learn how to give up. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you have to. Your level is just that far.”

“I’m not!”

Go Yohan shouted, cutting me off, and roughly wiped his face with the palm of his hand. His already red face from the frostbite grew even redder. Whether it was from the cold air, from genuinely crying, or from crocodile tears, I couldn’t tell, but tears began to gather in his eyes.

“What do you know? My whole life has been a failure.”

“...You? Hey. You—”

“I’ve never had anything I wanted. Everyone hates me. I can’t have anything.”

“That’s because your personality is messed up.”

“It’s not about my personality!”

We stood on the white snow, glaring at each other. The reason had reached its limit, even my reason, which had been suppressing my emotions for days. Go Yohan seemed the same. He grabbed his head with his bright red fingers. And then Go Yohan screamed.

“I’ve never had anything I wanted. I’m always failing... My very existence is a failure... I’ve been broken since I was born. I’m defective. I’m dumber than my younger sibling. I have a lot I want, a lot I could have... But I’ve lost everything.”

“...”

“Why are you pretending not to know? You know.”

“...What am I pretending not to know?”

“You too, you’re the same as me. You were the same. I’ve seen it. The way you looked at Han Junwoo. You wanted him, and yet you were consumed by inferiority, trying to surpass him. I saw it.”

Go Yohan stepped past the gate. The sound of him stepping on the snow was clearly audible. Yet, I couldn’t look away from Go Yohan’s face. His words were squeezing me.

“You and I are the same.”

No. I’m not like that. The words I was about to say got swallowed back.

“You’ve had many things you couldn’t have too, right? You were in the same... same position as me. But... but you were different. In the end, you got what you wanted. You became the top student, you got your parents’ and teachers’ love... You made it. At least, the homeroom teacher liked you. You did it.”

“...”

“So do the same for me...”

Go Yohan’s entire body stepped past the gate.

“I think... I think I could do it...”

What should I do? I briefly pondered. I couldn’t say I wasn’t shaken by his words. He was right. He was right. I had tried to be loved by everyone. And Go Yohan, who had easily earned the attention and admiration I longed for, was now the one who was wanting me. I pressed my forehead silently. Then I realized, Go Yohan shouldn’t be asking this of me.

I moved my feet and forcibly grabbed Go Yohan’s cold, frozen arm and turned him around. Startled by the sudden action, I pushed his back without saying a word.

“Hey, wait...”

“Don’t say another word.”

I didn’t want to hear Go Yohan’s excuses. I instinctively felt repulsed. A thought crossed my mind, wondering if I was standing in the eye of a storm.

I too, was obsessed with Go Yohan. My damn nature, the idiot who hadn’t let go of him until now. But I wasn’t someone who could handle him, and I didn’t have the courage to. I had an easier path ahead. There was no need for me to walk a hard road just for Go Yohan, who looked down on me. Yeah, I didn’t need to.

I lifted my head and pushed Go Yohan harder, opening my mouth.

“You’re good at acting. Do your parents hate you that much? Damn, how did I fall for that?”

Go Yohan furrowed his brows at the sudden confession, as if questioning what I was saying. I let out a hollow laugh. Every time I see him, it's just absurd. As if I'd fall for it again.

“What... are you saying...?”

“Go ahead and lie some more. I’m never going to see you again anyway. I could shout and curse right now, but since I’m in front of my house, I’m barely keeping my voice down.”

“Hey, Kang Jun. Who did you hear that from? Who said that?”

“I don’t know. At least I know that all the troubles you’re talking about right now are just lies.”

“No, no! Wait, wait!”

“Get out. Whether you think you can handle it or not... go deal with your troubles at home. Don’t dump them on me.”

After pushing Go Yohan out of the gate, I grabbed the door handle. And just as Go Yohan tried to look back, I quickly slammed the door shut. I didn’t want to see the expression he was making. Through the small crack, I caught a glimpse of his neck. It felt strangely heavy, like he was reproaching me.

To put it simply, through this opportunity, through this early morning moment with Go Yohan, I finally let go of everything that had been weighing on me. Maybe I was a little drunk too. His drunken words had made me speak without thinking.

“If you knock on the door again, I’ll call the cops. There’s no point in saving face anymore, and I’d rather never cross paths with you again. By the way, you’re drunk, right? Good.”

“Jun-ah.”

I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want him calling my name, especially not Jun. I forcefully pushed the door. Thud. The door slammed shut with force. No, I slammed it. I didn’t look at Go Yohan’s face. I was afraid to. I was scared I might do something stupid again. Or regret my choice.

“Just leave already! Stay away from me before I start hating you even more!”

The knocking at the gate gradually stopped. The last sound I heard was a faint one, barely audible in the silence. It somehow sounded a little sad. I lowered my gaze. I could see Go Yohan’s legs beneath the gate. He was on the other side, silently frozen, like ice.

At the same time, a bad feeling crept up. This moment, deep in my heart, might remain as an unshakeable knot that I couldn’t get rid of. Maybe it would feel like this for years to come. And that knot, instinctively, my obsession told me, would only be forgotten much, much later.

But I ignored it. I thought I had every right to do so.

“I never want to see you again. You bastard.”

****

I didn’t realize that if I didn’t go to school, there would be nothing to do. I hadn’t realized just how busy I’d been living my life. School, cram school, tutoring, even self-study. Once all of that disappeared, all that was left was emptiness.

“Ugh, I’m bored...”

So bored that I went outside to the garden and stretched. I even downloaded a popular game on the computer. To be honest, it wasn’t fun, so I shut it off after 10 minutes. It just gave me a headache and made me dizzy. I read the news on the search screen, but all the newspapers were repeating the same thing, and it was so boring.

1 PM. Finally, I gave up on everything and collapsed onto my bed. The thought that I’d have to do this until graduation made me feel like I was suffocating.

Well, I should find a hobby. But what hobby?

Nothing came to mind when I thought about what hobby to start. I’d never really come up with a creative idea before. I was just good at memorizing things, but I’d never actively done anything. I thought about trying sports but shook my head.

“That’s too much trouble...”

Sports just weren’t for me. I was born that way. The only events I ever got A’s in during gym class were long-distance running and long-hanging. I had pure endurance. Everything else was mediocre.

So what now? I blinked and stared at the ceiling. Something seemed to be floating in the white wallpaper. It wasn’t the wallpaper, but my eyes. I had floaters, I think. The shape of the floaters resembled the shape of the European continent. Ah. I stretched my body and jumped up.

“Should I visit my parents?”

I passed the college entrance exam, and my parents would probably be happy to see me. I could visit and even go on a trip too. Suddenly, I couldn’t contain my excitement and fell off the bed. As I scrambled for my phone, the excitement I had suddenly plummeted to the ground.

“Ah, I turned my phone off.”

With a black screen since the morning, there was nothing I could do with my phone. Also, it was always the same people who said that “diligence leads to success.” Those were the people who would have scolded me if I dared to mention anything about being sick. Right now, I was even skipping school using the excuse of being sick.

At least I had to hold on until graduation. Ugh, I groaned and collapsed back onto the bed.

The reason I felt unusually tormented was something else.