Hell University-Chapter 50 - 49: Raze

Zein’s Point of View

It’s hard having to pretend to everyone else that you’re okay when you know, deep inside, that you’re not. I can make others believe it, but I can never fool myself.

It feels like there’s a part of me missing, something that will never be found again. Shit. I don’t want this.

"It’s already night..."

I didn’t bother to look at Matt. Instead, I lifted the glass again and drank the alcohol straight, downing it in one go. I squeezed my eyes shut at the bitterness as it slid down my throat.

I was about to pour myself another drink when Matt beat me to it. I watched him fill the glass and hand it to me. I just smiled before taking it and drinking again.

I leaned back in my chair when I felt the world start to spin. When was the last time I even drank? UGH. My body feels so hot.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at Matt again because I could feel his gaze on me.

"I’m okay," I said stupidly, even though he wasn’t asking.

I heard his soft laugh, so I frowned at him. "What’s so funny?" I asked.

He just shook his head, making me pout. He might even be more drunk than I am.

"You’re not okay. You don’t have to smile if you can’t."

I watched him pour alcohol into the glass again, but this time he was the one who drank it. He didn’t even close his eyes at the burn, he just kept looking at me as he emptied the glass.

As I looked into his eyes, it felt like I could see that I wasn’t the only one hurting. Shit. He’s hurting too... Even if he won’t admit it, I can feel it at this moment.

"He’s so lucky to have you... really."

It felt like all the air was knocked out of me, leaving me without a single word to throw back. I couldn’t gather the right answer, so I just stared blankly.

"I’m jealous."

"M-Matt."

"Shh... I’m fine."

My lips trembled when I saw the same pretense on his face, the very one I had been using earlier. I don’t know how Matt managed to endure the pain I caused him. I can’t return the love he’s giving me.

He poured alcohol into the glass again and handed it to me. I gave a bitter smile before taking it and drinking it. I winced as my vision started spinning again, briefly closing my eyes to calm myself.

"I know you’re in deep pain... If only I could do something to ease it, I’d gladly take it all."

"I can’t love you... stop loving me," I said firmly.

I know words can be cruel and painful, but I just want to be honest. I hate what he’s doing.

He smiled, but I knew it was fake. I wanted to slap him just to wake him up from this madness, he doesn’t have to do this. He shouldn’t hurt himself like this. Shit. Matt, wake up. I can’t catch you when you fall... please, stop.

"I tried to stop this feeling, Zein... but I always end up realizing I can’t. I failed."

The corners of his eyes reddened, and I felt like closing mine just so I wouldn’t have to see him. Damn it. I’m hurting him again. I’ve hurt so many people already. Is this really how love works? That someone always gets hurt? That tears are unavoidable? That you have to go through this kind of pain first?

"But... why didn’t you fight for me?"

I know it’s insensitive to ask, but I want to know his side. I’m also curious about how he truly feels about me.

"We’re not in some game where I’m the prize for the winner. You have your own decisions in life, and I don’t want you to choose between me and him. Zein... from the very beginning, it was already clear to me."

Damn this Matthew Hart. If I hadn’t met Ace, maybe I’d be with him right now, but no. Fate played with us. It hurts like hell.

"Go to sleep."

I watched him clean the table. I couldn’t stop myself from standing up and hugging him tightly. He froze mid-motion, so I tightened my arms around him even more.

"Matt... you’ll find someone better than me someday... someone you’ll love more than you loved me... You deserve to be loved more than you ever could."

"Is there another Zein Shion out there in the world?" he joked, making me let out a soft laugh.

"There isn’t... but there will be someone greater than Zein Shion."

I don’t know how I managed to fall asleep last night after everything Matt and I talked about. I admit that, somehow, I felt a little better, especially after truly feeling what he was going through. We were both hurting the same way.

When I spotted Sir Alvarez, I quickly approached him. He looked slightly surprised at my sudden appearance.

"Oh, Zein, it’s you. Do you need something?" he asked with a smile.

"May we talk for a bit, sir?"

I saw hesitation and concern in his eyes, but he nodded right away. We went to his office, and there, I told him everything I had learned.

I didn’t know what to feel about Sir Alvarez’s sudden silence. I had no idea what was going through his mind, and even though I wanted to ask, I let him think for the moment.

I knew he was shocked too, just like me, but maybe this was for the best.

"We’re too late..."

I didn’t know what he meant, but I knew this conversation wouldn’t lead to anything good.

"W-What do you mean, sir?"

"They already know the formula... sooner or later... it will be completed. There’s nothing we can do anymore."

"So... we’re just going to let them succeed?" I asked in disbelief.

I met his deep gaze because I didn’t want him to see that I was starting to lose heart as well. No! It’s not over yet... there’s still something we can do to stop them from succeeding.

"Listen..." he said deeply. "I want you to stop what you’re doing," he continued in a serious tone.

I frowned and quietly clenched my fist. "You want me to stop looking for the hidden laboratory?" I asked to clarify, the bitterness in my voice unmistakable.

He leaned back against his swivel chair, as if studying what I was feeling. I wanted him to know that it wasn’t too late yet, that there was still something we could do if we acted. I didn’t want to give up... I would never give up.

"This isn’t just for me... it’s for you too. Zein, you’re no different from me anymore." He smiled, but I couldn’t bring myself to return it. "I-I don’t want anything bad to happen to you because of me... Zein, I don’t want you to get hurt. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself," he said sincerely, his voice laced with sadness.

Sir Alvarez wasn’t a stranger to me either. But if all he was worried about was my safety, then I could say I could handle myself. I’ve faced many dangers before... I’ve even fought Death once. I promised myself I wouldn’t allow myself to be trapped here forever. I will fight for them... not for myself.

"Sir... please let me help. I’m begging you... I want to help," I pleaded.

He smiled and stepped closer to me. My chest tightened when he hugged me, and suddenly I missed Daddy. Shit. I don’t want to die yet... I still want to be with them. Mommy... Ate Allison. Damn.

"Zein... it’s dangerous," he said while still holding me. "Please..." he added.

I felt my eyes burn, so I quickly pulled away from his embrace and stood up. I looked at him firmly.

"If you’ve already given up... I haven’t. If you don’t want to anymore... I still do. Too late? This is just the beginning." I took a sharp breath. "I will do everything to stop them." I turned my back on him. "Sorry, but you can’t do anything about it," I added before finally leaving the place.

I don’t know where to start or how I’ll stand by everything I said. Whatever happens, what matters is, I won’t give up.

I paused for a moment when I realized where my feet were taking me. Only now did I notice that I was heading toward the admins’ office.

I swallowed and continued walking when someone grabbed my arm. Panic quickly consumed me, and I couldn’t even resist.

Even though I wanted to pull my arm back, it felt like I couldn’t, so I just let him drag me along.

"I didn’t know you could be stupid sometimes," he said as he finally let go of me.

We were now in the wooded area of HU, and the person standing in front of me was without a doubt the leader of the DGW.

I could only stare at him in shock. His entire face was covered by a red mask, and only one red eye was visible, but that alone was enough to send chills down my spine.

"I know you’re just trapped in a very difficult situation but that isn’t enough for you to just be careless with your decisions. If you want to die, just say it. I will grant your wish right here... right now, darling."

My hair stood on end, not because of his threat, but because of that single word that brought back memories I had been desperately trying to bury.

"Don’t you dare..."

"What?" He chuckled lightly, which only made my teeth grind harder. "Tell me, darling... what’s wrong?" he mocked.

"Stop saying that damn word! Fuck you!"

He burst out laughing, further fueling the anger burning inside me. I knew he was just teasing me.

"Why? Does hearing those words hurt?" he asked. "But he is in much deeper pain than you," he added, his voice laced with bitterness.

I don’t know why he’s doing this, but it hurts. It hurts that he keeps forcing me to remember everything I did. Damn it. I don’t want to feel this.

"You gave up so easily. You know why? Because you never really loved him."

"Who the hell are you to doubt my feelings for him?" I asked, my eyebrow raised. "You don’t know anything," I added.

He knows nothing about what I feel, so it’s easy for him to say those things. He doesn’t know the sacrifices I made, because he isn’t me. If you tried to step into my shoes, you would feel the deadly pain I’m carrying.

"Did you ever, even once, think about how he feels?"

I froze, left with no words to throw back at him. Did I really think about how he feels? Or only about his safety? Which one weighs more?

"Everything he has means nothing to him if the woman he loves isn’t by his side."

"Stop it."

I slightly lowered my head as tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I know his point, and I hate that I’m starting to doubt whether my decision was really for the better, or if it was actually the worst thing I could have done.

Supremo?

I turned my back, about to run away, when I felt his arm coil around my body. 𝗳𝗿𝐞𝕖𝘄𝗲𝕓𝗻𝚘𝚟𝕖𝐥.𝚌𝕠𝕞

I don’t know why, but it felt like Supremo was the one holding me. What is this?

"Supremo asked me to tell you something. Do you want to hear it?"

I didn’t know how to answer, the tightness in my chest felt like I was being strangled by his embrace.

"You don’t want to?"

"T‑Tell me," I replied, almost in a whisper.

I felt his grip loosen until I was completely free.

I faced him, and this time, he turned his back on me.

"What did Supremo want to tell me?"

"Why would I tell you? He’s not yours anymore, right?"

I fell silent, feeling as if a knife had stabbed straight through me just to hurt this much. Right... I almost forgot.

"Just tell him... not to neglect himself. Tell him to forget m-"

My eyes widened when he kissed the corner of my lips. I was so shocked that I couldn’t speak or move. He quickly pulled his mask back down, which he had slightly lifted earlier just to kiss me.

"Darling, please come back..." he said. "That’s what Supremo wanted me to tell you."

He even winked at me before disappearing into nothingness.

WHAT THE HELL!