How To Survive as a Villain-Chapter 69: Life and Death.

Because he was unable to sleep out of grief, he held his clothes up and wandered around. Accompanied by a solitary lamp, Xiao YuAn sat at the table staring at the two hairpins in his hand. One was red and had carved flowers on it, the other one was made out of white flawless jade. Xiao YuAn’s mind was still full with the words Eunuch Zhao said to him before: Will Wuning Wangye’s followers stay silent?

Finally, he made a decision. Xiao YuAn put away the hairpins, and while holding his clothes tightly, he went to the Taiyi Palace alone.

When he reached the inner room, Xiao YuAn pushed the door open and found Yan HeQing leaning against the bed, patiently waiting for him. Probably because of his injuries, Yan HeQing’s face was bloodless and his pale lips were lifeless.

Xiao YuAn had to swallow back the words of concern that wanted to get out as he thought of his next decision.

“Yan HeQing.” Xiao YuAn, who stood with his hands down, said in a soft voice, “I didn’t expect that there will be some things that we couldn’t stop from happening in the end.”

Yan HeQing looked at him, remembering the first time he saw him at the firewood room. When Xiao YuAn sat on top of the wood pile, laughingly patting the side next to him, telling him to sit down.

How long has it been since that happened? How long?

Yan HeQing cleared his throat, his voice was hoarse and dry: “Do you believe me?”

Xiao YuAn took out the two-inch scroll and gently placed it on the table: “What do you want me to believe about?”

In fact, Xiao YuAn was seriously asking him about this, but Yan HeQing heard it as if he was speaking sarcastically.

This scroll was like a sharp blade, cutting off Yan HeQing’s last shred of hope.

That’s right, how could he still dare to ask Xiao YuAn to trust him?

Xiao YuAn was always helpful and friendly to him in every possible way. But what about him? He colluded with people that had some ulterior motives, even causing Xiao YuAn to almost die at Wuning Wangye’s hands.

Yan HeQing has been treated by Xiao YuAn with an open heart, and yet, he betrayed him. If he was in Xiao YuAn’s position, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself.

How could he have the face1 to make Xiao YuAn believe in him again?

Xiao YuAn casually reached out and opened the scroll on the table. “Yan HeQing, I already knew that you wanted to leave. Come to think of it, it’s also true that you suffered endless humiliation in the Northern Kingdom and that you feel a strong resentment for this Country. Am I right?”

Yan HeQing lowered his eyes, as if he had turned a deaf ear to his words. The candle flame beside his bed was blown by the cool breeze coming from outside the window. This firelight leaped on Yan HeQing’s bloodless face, but couldn’t leap into the bottom of his dark eyes.

Endless humiliation and resentment?

That’s right, there’s no mistake in that.

For him, the Northern Kingdom was just that.

From the very moment the Northern Kingdom’s iron cavalry stepped into the Southern Yan Kingdom, there was not a day when he didn’t think about taking revenge. Not a day went by that he didn’t think of returning the pain that the Southern Yan Kingdom had suffered. Not a day passed by when he didn’t think about wanting to escape from the shackles and the cage, escaping the place where the prisoners were engraved into his bones.

Seeing that Yan HeQing was refusing to speak, Xiao YuAn lowered his eyes and continued: “I thought that I could change something, but now it seems that it’s useless…….”

Yan HeQing finally had a reaction, his fingers slightly moved as he slowly raised his head to look at Xiao YuAn, the bottom of his eyes finally showing some emotions in them.

Seeing the humiliation he suffered and the hatred he had in his eyes, Xiao YuAn carefully glanced at him, Yan HeQing then spoke slowly: “What do you want to change?”

Xiao YuAn suddenly froze.

That’s right, what does he want to change?

Does he want Yan HeQing to stay in the Northern Kingdom, because of his compassion and kindness, making him into a slave for the rest of his life as his Imperial bodyguard?

No, he never thought of him that way.

He wanted to see the man in front of him becoming like the one from the original book: Wielding a sword, ruling over the world, ruling over the unified nation.

If that was the case, then what on earth does he want to change?

Right, he wants to keep on living.

However, he’s now the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom. He’s carrying on his shoulders the backbone of the soldiers of the Northern Kingdom, and the dependence of its people. Regarding history, perhaps the change of Dynasties cannot be avoided. But when you’re part of it, the word “Country” will be engraved into your bones, melt into your blood and burn inside your chest.

The later generations will look after it. But at this time, it’s the Son of Heaven2 the one guarding the Country gates, and he will die for his Nation!

Why does he want to live? Why is he still trying in vain to survive!

He has been believing his own lies, doesn’t he?

As if Xiao YuAn had suddenly been viciously slapped on the face, he looked right at Yan HeQing, his breath quickened as he mumbled: “So you’ve always understood……”

His voice gradually became weak, and Xiao YuAn slowly became mute, unable to utter a single word.

It turns out that Yan HeQing had always been seeing things clearly, only he himself was the only one foolishly trying to think of himself as an outsider.

Yan HeQing suddenly laughed, his eyes overflowing with blood and trembling with endless pain, but the corners of his mouth slowly curled up as he said: “Xiao YuAn, between the Northern Kingdom and the Southern Yan Kingdom, only a life and death3 situation can exist. But Xiao YuAn, towards you, I….”

“That’s enough.” Xiao YuAn interrupted Yan HeQing. He slowly raised his head, only indifference was remaining in his originally warm eyes. “If the Northern Kingdom and the Southern Yan Kingdom can only share a life and death fate, then you and I will have to share that same life and death fate.”

When Hong Xiu died, Xiao YuAn hid his own self away.

Ever since Hong Xiu died for the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom, he had decided to become the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom once and for all. Ever since Yan HeQing said that the Northern Kingdom and the Southern Yan Kingdom couldn’t live together.

Then he, the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom, couldn’t live together with Yan HeQing.

Xiao YuAn’s voice was like the last straw, landing lightly on Yan HeQing’s shoulder. His eyes were like a candle that was about to burn out, vivaciously shaking with a faint light.

He felt like his body was pulled in half. One half was looking at the ruined and desolate Southern Yan Kingdom Imperial City. The other half was looking at Xiao YuAn, who was laughing recklessly on the Yuhua Tower that day.

Both parts of his body were festering faintly. Naturally, because of this pain, Yan HeQing hardly wanted to keep on living4.

The inner room was in complete silence for a while, only the sound of their breathing could be heard.

After some time, Xiao YuAn slowly took out a small white porcelain bottle from his sleeve, he walked to the bedside and handed it to Yan HeQing.

Yan HeQing stared at the small porcelain bottle and stretched out his hand to hold and fondle it. He asked with a hoarse voice: “What’s this? Are you going to…..”

Are you going to kill me?

Xiao YuAn didn’t answer him.

Yan HeQing inhaled deeply: “Xiao Yu-……”

Xiao YuAn interrupted him, his voice was absolutely determined: “Call me Your Majesty.”

“Xiao. Yu. An.” As if on purpose, Yan HeQing shouted out Xiao YuAn’s name, one word at a time. His eyes were fixed on Xiao YuAn, as if he was about to devour him. He held the porcelain bottle tightly in one hand, his knuckles were white and his fingers blue. “Xiao YuAn, do you really want me to drink this thing?”

Xiao YuAn’s eyes fluttered for a moment, feeling like he had a fish bone stuck in his throat5, then hesitantly nodded his head very slowly.

“Fine, then I’ll drink it.” However, when Yan HeQing said those words, he seemed to have used all the strength he had left. His eyes finally darkened, like burned out ashes, and after struggling for a bit, only despair remained. Yan HeQing opened the white porcelain bottle and drank the bitter liquid in a violent way.

After drinking, Yan HeQing stared intensely into Xiao YuAn’s eyes, as if he wanted to see through Xiao YuAn until the very the end, wanting to rip out the soul behind his eyes, and then open his body, so that this soul could take a good look at his unwillingness and desperation. “Xiao YuAn, why did you have to be reborn as the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom, why…..”

His limbs became weaker and weaker, and Yan HeQing’s voice gradually faded away. Soon, he held his forehead and fell forward. When Xiao YuAn saw that Yan HeQing was about to fall off the bed, he quickly stepped forward to hold him firmly.

When Yan HeQing’s consciousness began to fragment, he heard Xiao YuAn’s voice as if it was at the distance: “I don’t know, maybe…. It was so I could meet you….”

Seeing that Yan HeQing was completely unconscious, Xiao YuAn let out a long sigh. For one, this sigh represented that he didn’t have any other alternative6, the other reason was that he felt extremely helpless.

Xiao YuAn saw himself laughing recklessly not so long ago, when he vowed to be honest with Yan HeQing and said to him: “Yan HeQing, do you want to become my Imperial bodyguard? I’ll protect you and I will never let anyone hurt you.”

And now, he was doing the exact same thing he said he wouldn’t let happen.

However, this was also the last time he would protect Yan HeQing as the Emperor of the Northern Kingdom.

After this, there will not be a second time.

If there’s any chance to meet each other again in the future, it will be at the arms of war.

That night, at the gate of the Palace, a carriage was stopped by the Imperial guards. After a little bit, it was let through again. After leaving the Imperial City, the carriage ran straight to the west post station and never came back. When the Captain of the Imperial guards heard this news, he yelled at them: “General Li said that the horses and carriages leaving the Imperial City should be carefully searched and checked out these days!”

“But…” A young Imperial guard touched his head and replied feeling extremely wronged. “That carriage had His Majesty’s instructions.”

“……..His Majesty’s instructions, ah. Fine, you guys continue with the vigilance, and by the way, what day is today?”

“Today’s the third day of March.”

“Ah, the third day of March.” The Captain looked up at the overcast sky.

“Tch. The weather is changing.”

Yan HeQing… was about… to confess… his feelings… but… Xiao YuAn… interrupted him…….. and now they’re both heartbroken because of misscomunications…. I HATE IT HERE !! ｡゜(｀Д´)゜｡

Footnotes

有脸 yǒu liǎn; In this case, this word is used to refer to someone that has the nerve to ask for something.天子 tiān zǐ; In ancient times people believed that the concept of the “Son of Heaven” was already prevalent, and that the Son of Heaven was called like that because he was “appointed by Heaven”, the will of Heaven was revealed through divination. The concept of the Son of Heaven was already firmly established by the Zhou Dynasty. The emperor was only “ordered by Heaven”. The heaven only gave the Son of Heaven to the lower realms, and it was up to the Son of Heaven to exercise the Mandate of Heaven. After (秦始皇 qín shǐ huáng) Qin Shi Huang [259-210 BC] created the name of (皇帝 huáng dì) Emperor, the Han Dynasty adopted this title as the highest honorific for the Son of Heaven.你死我活 nǐ sǐ wǒ huó; It’s a Chinese idiom, it means that only if one side dies can the other live, describing a great conflict or the intensity of the struggle between two irreconcilable adversaries / Two parties cannot coexist. From 《五灯会元》(wǔ dēng huì yuán), “Five Lantern Festival”, Written by (释普济 shì pǔ jì) Shi Puji, a monk from the Song Dynasty [420-479]. This is also the meaning from the title of this chapter.痛不欲生 tòng bù yù shēng; It’s a Chinese idiom, describes extreme grief / When someone is in so much pain that they don’t want to live anymore / Being overwhelmed with sorrow. From 《吊说》(diào shuō), “Hanging Says”, written by (吕大钧 lǚ dà jūn) Lv Dajun [1029-1080] from the Song Dynasty [960-1279].如鲠在喉 rú gěng zài hóu; It’s a Chinese idiom that means that it’s hard to say something, but also, when someone’s very upset and needs to express their displeasure. From 《说文解字》(shuō wén jiě zì), “Analytical Dictionary of Characters” written by (许慎 xǔ shèn) Xu Shen [58-148], he was a Chinese politician, philologist and writer, the compiler of the original Han Dynasty dictionary.迫不得已 pò bù dé yǐ; It’s a Chinese idiom, when someone has no alternative but to do something / Compelled by circumstances / Forced into something. From 《汉书·王莽传上》(hàn shū·wáng mǎng zhuàn shàng), “History of the Former Han Dynasty: Biography of Wang Mang (Part 1)”. Written by (班固 bān gù) Ban Gu [32-92] a historian from the Eastern Han Dynasty [25-220].