Merchant Crab-Chapter 293: A Gentleman Most Dead

“So… was something supposed to happen?” said Joshua, looking over Thunk’s shoulder as the group all leaned down to look at the medallion the crab was holding.

“I… was hoping so,” Balthazar said, twiddling the flat piece of gold between his pincers as if looking for a button to switch it on. “Well, crabapples, looks like I might have been scammed by that—”

“Good evening!”

“AH! A ghost!” Joshua cried out in alarm as he jumped onto Thunk’s shoulder.

They all turned to find an ethereal apparition glowing in the dark of the cave, surrounded by a pale aura.

“There he is!” the smiling crustacean said, throwing his pincers up in a greeting at the phantom of a man in fancy robes. “Sir Allard!”

“Please, my friend,” the floating apparition said, returning the smile. “No need for such ceremonies between us. You may call me Sir Edmund.”

“Y-you’re f-friends w-with a-a… ghost?!” the trembling farmer boy said, clinging to the barbarian’s shoulder like a baby monkey to his momma.

“He most certainly is!” the phantom said, a broad smile appearing under his ghostly, twirly mustache as he tipped his head at the group. “And I take it you are all friends of Sir Balthazar as well? Delighted to make your acquaintance! I am Sir Edmund Auclair Allard, at your service.”

Thunk gazed emptily at the spirit with her mouth slightly open. Not out of shock or fear, that was just her regular idle stance when staring at most things.

Khargol, who was a couple of steps farther back, remained impassive as always, his arms crossed as he watched the whole scene with his usual intense scowl.

Meanwhile, Hannabeth took a step forward, her intrigued gaze examining the apparition with great fascination.

“A noble spirit!” the adventurer said in peak knightly tone. “I have long sought to meet one who hath transcended the mortal realm and crossed into the immortal planes without surrendering sound judgment and becoming a witless, wicked spirit that haunteth the living! At last, it seemeth thou art such a benevolent being, good sir!”

Allard turned to the knight-paladin with shocked delight on his semi-transparent face.

“A noble knight!” he said. “And a fine speaker at that!”

“Oh no…” the crab said, rolling his eyestalks. “We’re never getting out of here if these two start a back-and-forth now.”

“My name is Hannabeth,” said the adventurer, bowing courteously to the ghost. “And I am a knight-paladin on a quest to aid our good merchant here in his charge to vanquish the evil that lurketh in these depths!”

“Most fascinating, my good lady! And nobly brave, too!” Sir Edmund responded. “As for me, my tale of how I met Sir Balthazar is a most peculiar and delightful one. For you see, it all started one weary night, long ago, when I was still living and breathing, while traveling some winding roads, parched, and upon finding a spring fountain, I—”

“Look, we really don’t have time for this,” Balthazar interjected, skittering between the phantom and the group. “Sir Edmund is a ghost I met once on the road, he asked me to kill someone for him, I helped him, and as a show of gratitude he gave me his family medallion and said that if I ever needed his aid, I could call on him through it. Which is what I just did.”

“Did… Did you just say he asked you to kill someone for him?!” a flabbergasted Joshua asked.

“Yeah, but it was himself. And he was technically already dead. Just… Don't worry about it!” the merchant said casually. “Now, there’s a lich lord getting away through there, and we’re wasting time, so let’s focus back on that?!”

“My goodness!” said the floating spirit. “That sounds grave indeed! I trust you must have called upon me for my counsel, due to my vast and nigh on encyclopedic knowledge in matters related to undeath?”

“Uhm… No,” the crab said, staring blankly at the ghost. “I was actually hoping your other half could help us with something.”

The apparition floated in silence for a moment, blinking at him before speaking again.

“Oh… You mean Ned?”

“Yes!” said Balthazar, forcing a smile. “You see, we were chasing the lich down this tunnel, but he has this barrier blocking our path. There’s a power source for it on the other side, but only zombies can cross it.”

Sir Edmund looked at the translucent purple bubble at the end of the tunnel.

“Ah, yes, a necromantic barrier,” he said quietly. “Very tricky magic. Not even incorporeal beings like myself can pass it, as the arcane matrixes that—”

“Riiiiight,” the crab interrupted, wincing slightly. “Really in a hurry here. So, you know, if you could just have your pal pop over to the other side and turn off the thing, that’d be great.”

The ghost sighed.

“Of course. I understand,” the dejected spirit said. “I’ll go ahead and call on him now. It will be just a moment. We were still traveling around the woods near Marquessa when you summoned me, you see.”

“Marquessa?” said Joshua, cocking an eyebrow as he climbed down Thunk’s back. “Isn’t that like, on the other side of the continent? I thought we were in a hurry. What exactly is it that we’re waiting on now that—”

“Blargh!”

“AH! A zombie!” Joshua yelled as he jumped on the barbarian’s shoulder again.

They all turned to see Sir Edmund’s reanimated corpse tumbling down from a hole in the ceiling and landing on his chin in front of them, his dirty and torn robes wrapping all over his crumpled form.

“Get up, Ned! You’re embarrassing us in front of Sir Balthazar’s allies!” the pale ghost muttered to his zombie.

“BRrRaAinsss?!” the ghoul exclaimed as he popped his head up from the floor and gawked at the group.

“No! We’ve gone over this, Ned,” Sir Edmund said, with the tone of a parent admonishing a child. “If they’re friends, no eating their brains, remember?”

“Brrraaaains…” the zombie groaned sadly as he dropped his head in defeat.

“W-what does he mean, if they’re friends?!” Joshua said, his wide eyes peeking from behind the barbarian’s shoulder.

“Woah, he got here fast from Marquessa, considering he’s not a spirit,” the crab said, paying no mind to Joshua’s concerns.

“Ah, yes, there’s an explanation for that,” said Sir Edmund. “You see, when I call—”

“Nope! No time for that explanation right now! We’ll just accept he’s here now and move on!” Balthazar exclaimed, throwing his pincers up and skittering toward the barrier. “We’ve got a slowly floating away lich to catch up to. Let’s get to work!”

“Very well…” the deflated apparition said with a sigh. “Come now, Ned, let’s do the thing.”

“Blergh?” the half-rotten version of Sir Allard said, tilting his head at the ghost like a puppy trying to understand human speech.

“Go on, you know how it goes,” the ghost said, extending his arms to the zombie as if inviting him to a hug. “Bring it in, buddy.”

“Ergh…” Ned groaned quietly, shambling slowly toward his spirit, tongue hanging out from the corner of his mouth as he stretched his arms forward too.

As the merchant watched them come closer to each other, he took the opportunity to peep at them through his monocle, something he could not do the first time they had met.

[Ghost - Level 15]

[Zombie - Level 15]

Hmm, makes sense, I guess. He thought.

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

The pair of undead beings continued their approach into a hug slowly—painfully slowly.

“This feels so awkward to watch…” Balthazar muttered under his breath as he and the others stared at the duo moving toward each other.

“Should we… look away, maybe?” said Joshua, his face twisted into a grimace of discomfort.

“Gah!” the reanimated corpse exclaimed as he tilted forward into Sir Allard’s embrace, only to pass right through his ghostly form.

The phantom vanished, and the zombie went stiff as he bounced back onto his feet.

“Aha!” the revenant said, his ghostly voice echoing through the congested throat of the corpse. “We are one once more!”

“Man… There’s no way my people back at the farm will ever believe even half the stuff I’ve seen here today,” said the barbarian’s companion, shaking his head idly.

“Good stuff!” Balthazar said. “Now, if you could be a pal and shamble on over there, through the barrier, and have your zombie knock that floating gem powering it off its pedestal, we could be on our way.”

“Certainly!” Sir Ned said, before turning on his heels and marching toward the necromantic barrier.

Except his march was more of a weird spasm that propelled a leg forward at a time in a way that made it look like he had ants in his robes.

“Uhh, you alright there?” the crab asked, cocking an eyebrow at the struggling zombie.

“Yes,” Sir Ned responded, still trying to walk forward in a semi-straight line. “We’re just still not very used to this coordinated march. It feels a lot like trying to run while wearing clothes several times above your size—and that have also not been washed in months.”

“I could simply push you through the—” Khargol started saying, a hint of impatience on his usual scowl, but the revenant interrupted before he could finish.

“No, no! We can do it, I assure you, my friend!”

Balthazar sighed as they all stood by for a good half minute watching the ghost possessing his own body trying his best to walk a handful of steps to the barrier.

Out of curiosity, the crab checked the now fused version of Sir Allard through his Monocle of Exposition again.

[Revenant - Level 30]

Oh. That’s… interesting.

As Balthazar had already suspected, while locals were unable to level up naturally like adventurers could, it seemed they could still reach new forms and change through other methods, albeit rarely.

“Ah, here we go!” Sir Ned said as he stepped through the purple magical barrier without being blocked by it.

The zombie flailed one arm forward once near the pedestal, his swing missing the glowing gem and nearly sending him careening forward and onto the floor.

“Ah, my apologies!” he said with a nervous laugh. “A miscalculation on my part. Let me just try aga—Ah, got it!”

With his second swing, the revenant swatted the spell’s power source off its floating position, sending it rolling away into the darkness.

As he did, the purple barrier instantly vanished in front of the awaiting group.

“Alright! Let’s charge after this lich, guys!” Balthazar exclaimed, pumping one claw forward as he skittered past the possessed corpse and toward the tunnel with his allies in tow. “Thanks, Nedders!”

The decomposing advisor stood with his shoulders slumped forward, hands hanging in front of his knees as he watched the crab, humans, and orc, all rush past him in a hurry.

After seeing them all turn the corner and their lights disappearing in the distance, the revenant jumped in place.

“Wait for me, friends!” he exclaimed, breaking into a clumsy attempt at a jog. “I am deathly afraid of the dark!”

Balthazar and company continued through the cave’s only path forward for a while longer, until they finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel—a purple light.

As they reached the end, the party exited into a large, oval chamber with a much taller ceiling, which was covered in the same glowing mushrooms the merchant had seen earlier in the kobold caves, except these were less blue and more purple, as if to better fit the lich lord’s tastes in home decor.

At the center of the room, between two thick stone pillars, they spotted the undead master, slowly turning in place to face them, his hanging skeletal feet floating with their toes just a few hairs above the floor.

Under the chamber’s glow, Balthazar could examine their foe better.

And confirm that he was, indeed, creepily ugly.

Like a skeleton wearing a thin layer of darkened skin over his bones, the lich lord levitated in place with his old robes fluttering to a breeze that seemed to exist only around him. He had no shoes on, which made sense for someone who had apparently transcended the need to walk on his feet, the crab quickly realized. He carried no weapons, and other than his robe, the only other thing the level 55 undead had equipped was the peculiar circlet sitting on his wrinkly forehead, with its shimmering amethyst. 𝕗𝐫𝚎𝗲𝘄𝐞𝕓𝐧𝕠𝘃𝕖𝐥.𝐜𝚘𝚖

“Well, that’s a bit obvious,” Balthazar grumbled to himself.

“What is?” the orc chieftain asked, staring intensely at the lich lord across the room.

“Say, Khargol,” the merchant said. “You ever happened to read or learn about liches and how they work?”

“I have not,” the orc replied, his eyes squinting as he glared down at the crab.

“Well, I read a book about them once—terribly boring—but I remember one specific thing about how they keep themselves immortal—”

Before Balthazar could continue his explanation, they all noticed the floating undead on the other side of the chamber opening his mouth to speak.

“Yooou…” the lich said in a whispered, coarse voice that sounded like someone who was severely parched and had also swallowed several pieces of sandpaper. “I seeeee… you have made it to myyy… laaaair. You are… persistent… for a crab. Your group of… misfits… have proven harder to… get rid of than I… eeeexpected.”

The crab stared across the chamber for a moment, motionless and speechless.

“What?!” he finally yelled. “I literally did not get half of what you said there, pal. You’re gonna have to speak up. You’re all the way over there, and we’re all the way over here. Why are you whispering? If it’s for dramatic effect, I get it, but it’s not really working if we can’t understand you.”

The lich’s tiny purple specks that glowed inside his empty eye sockets narrowed even further, and his thin, black lips curled in anger.

The fiend opened his mouth to speak again—but it was, once again, a very quiet and dry whisper.

Balthazar turned to look at the others.

“I’m not even joking, guys,” he said. “I can’t hear anything of what he’s saying. Can you?”

They all gave the crab their own version of a half shrug, and the crab sighed before glancing at the floating lich again.

He was still talking.

“Well, alright, I guess he’s doing his villain monologue thing, so let him finish,” the merchant said, rolling his eyestalks back to the others. “Where was I? Ah, right. Do any of you know what a phylactery is?”

Across the room, the lich squinted at his challengers, who were all huddled up in a circle, talking among themselves and paying him no mind.

“Silence!” the lord of undeath yelled out in a scream that left an echo bouncing around the mostly empty chamber.

Balthazar and company turned with a start, eyes wide after the lich’s sudden outburst.

And they saw the emaciated figure bending at the waist while still floating in place, as he coughed and weaved.

“Oh… poor guy,” said Joshua. “I almost feel bad for him. That cannot have felt nice on his throat.”

The crab cocked an eyestalk at the wraith. “Think I could sell him a Potion of Hydration right now?”

Still coughing into his left elbow, the lich lord waved his other arm at a darker area of the cave behind him, as if issuing a command.

The ground shook.

Balthazar and his group tensed up as they saw a gigantic silhouette looming behind the lich, slowly walking forward.

Gray skin appeared in the light as a terrible mass of muscle and fat carrying a tree trunk on its shoulder revealed itself, its gaping maw filled with jagged yellow tusks and its eyes milk-white and hollow.

[Undead Ogre Behemoth - Level 50]

“Oh, boy, that’s going to be a tough one,” the crab said. “We need to—”

“BIG MONSTER!” the barbarian roared as she broke into a sprint toward the behemoth, unicorn shining and hammer held high.

“Thunk, no!” Joshua cried out, reaching forward with one hand as he watched her gallop away.

“Not without my shield, friend!” exclaimed Hannabeth, taking off after the other adventurer.

Khargol let out a resigned groan and uncrossed his arms to pull his battleaxe from his back before running after them too.

“Ah, crabapples…” Balthazar sighed as he watched the three of them go into battle with the colossal brute.

The first to reach it was Thunk, who, despite how tall she was, barely reached the behemoth’s waist level.

She attempted to take a swing at the creature, but the thrall was already waiting for her with a mean backhand.

The slap sent the barbarian rolling and made her land on her backside with a loud “oof.”

“Let us do our combo, good orc!” yelled Hannabeth as she held up her shield in front of the giant and signaled for the chieftain to charge from behind her.

Khargol picked up speed and readied his axe to swing from the knight’s flank.

But the behemoth foiled their plans.

With a massive kick, the ogre pushed the adventurer out of the way. Her shielding stance held, but the impact was enough to shove her back and leave the level 25 orc warrior exposed.

Khargol’s eyes widened, but it was too late to stop or brace for the impact.

Balthazar jolted in place as he watched his friend take the massive tree trunk club straight to the chest, accompanied by the sound of bones breaking.

Khargol’s body shot back and right into the cave wall, breaking a chunk of it and causing several rocks to fall on top of him.

“Khargol!” the crab called as he ran to the crater.

Shoving rocks and debris out of the way, Balthazar uncovered the orc’s collapsed form under the rubble, lying on his back with his head tilted back.

With his monocle still equipped, the crab saw a red line appear above his ally.

[Health remaining: 1]

“Oh crap! Are you alri—”

Balthazar’s words trailed off as he saw Khargol slowly move to stand up.

As he raised his head from the rocks and his face came forward, the crab saw that the orc’s jaw was clenched, his fangs protruding even more than usual, and his eyes were pure white.

For a split second, the worst crossed the merchant’s mind, and he feared his friend had just become one of the lich’s thralls too, but then he noticed it—his pupils were not gone, they were just very, very tiny.

Khargol drove himself back onto his feet, rubble spilling from his shoulders. A snarl tore from him as he drew a harsh breath, his battered body locking into tension, veins swelling hard beneath stretched skin.

“Uh… Khargol?” Balthazar said warily. “You look angry.”

The orc glared down at the crab.

“That’s my secret, crab,” he said, stepping past the crustacean. “I’m always angry.”

Balthazar’s eyestalks stood up as he saw a new line appear on the lens of his monocle.

[Orcish Berserk activated!]