Reincarnated into a Snow Griffin-Chapter 90

We walk alongside in the jungle as Ethan seems really kin of having his arm around me, even if it made it hard for us to walk over rocks and up hills, but as part of me knew that I should brush his arm away, the warm emanating from his body beside me and his arm around my waist are mesmerizing, relaxing me in a way I have not since I’ve lost my home and my family, though I was probably just shaken up by the water.

Even if walking on strange dangerous territory, with my secrets revealed all at once, even my fear of water at that, somehow his quiet warm presence coax me into a relaxed stupor state, drifting between tiredness and a comfortable set of mind, making me feel safe in his arms.

And yet my nerves are still on edge, like scrapped skin, still sensible to any overstimulation, so instead of helping me these feelings only kept me more alert, like a swarm of bees buzzing right under my skin, ready to burst out.

Is this what being on a verge of a panic attack feels like? The angriest I get, the more I try to push it away, the more it seems to take a hold of me, spreading and suffocating, and yet the thought of breaking down like this, of being so out of it and weak, only feeds the panic within to the point of making me shiver and shudder, muscles tense as a reflex.

I bend a little, feeling cramps all over my body as my stomach twists, and the suffocating sensation of panicking is too akin to what has unbalanced me, and not only the fear hit me in the face but all the sensations I felt back on that day, the day I was banished from my homeland and lost my families and friends, and almost my life at that.

The betrayal, the hurt, wounds battering all over my body but mostly crushing my young heart, and the incredible loss I felt after seeing my mother for what could be the last time ever, the image burning behind my eyelids every time I closed my eyes but not so strong, never so vivid like this, overwhelming my surroundings even if for a few seconds.

And then is gone, as fast as it came, the sensations vanish yet no relief is taken for the emptiness they left behind, the phantom feelings within me.

"Are you ok?" For Ethan it must look like I’m having a stomach ache or something, stopping out of nowhere and bending while half hugging my belly, but it was better than showing the crazy mess that came over my mind, which thankfully did not last long to show outside as I take a shaky breath in and close my eyes, and just like that I centered myself once more, entering a quick meditating stance that pulls me away from feeding emotions that did me no good.

As if it was that simple to get ready of them, my mind conjures as I pull the words and feelings down, not now, not ever, is my answer to it all, I will not crash down.

It has no permanent effect, and I did not even know if it would work, but for now what mattered is that I had managed to calm down once more if I avoided thinking about my close encounter with death moments past.

"I’m fine." I finally say, my mouth dry as I look up and start walking by myself, distancing from the arm that had been comforting moments ago.

I should not slash out at him and go back to treating him as coldly as before, it was unreasonable and selfish, but I felt pretty much like that at that moment, needing some time to calm my heart and mind down.

And I did the thing I knew best, the one that keeps me going no matter what, I shut down, locked away my emotions and stood up like an ice fortress, as deadly as beautiful.

As fierce as it is fragile.

But no crack can be allowed to form, or all would be dissolved.

So before we know it we are back at the tower, a quiet tense walk up there that thankfully does not take long, but as my wings are still heavy I just look up at where we had made the entrance, remembering that the main doors were locked and barricaded, but Ethan gets in front of me and twists the doorknob that, to my surprise, give in and with a crack the old door opens.

"We arrived at your humble castle my King." He says playfully while opening the door and giving a half bow, a crocked small smile on his lips as his eyes stayed on me, always on me, and as much as I treated him badly, avoided and pushed him away, he would always be like this, playful, joyful, close, with eyes only for me.

I almost stop there, but it does not take long for me to voice out my thoughts, we walk into the abandoned lower parts of the tower, climb a few boxes he put as a makeshift stare to compensate for the broken steps in between, and once we are in front of the fire he had lit beforehand, in the comfort of a pre-warmed room and away from the humid chilling night coming up from the rain forest and the sea, is when I finally turn around and stare back directly to those eyes that never left mine, no veil in between us, our gazes directly meeting.

He does not flinch at my gaze, but instead approaches and stops close to me, always knowing as he allows me time to think, and to look.

"Why?" His eyes light up at the question, the flickering bright red flames reflecting on his eyes, dancing between my reflex and his intense gaze, but I’m set in not backing down from this.

"Uhm?" He only hums back, moves swiftly as a deadly predator, and yet I do not feel threatened by his ways at all.

Instead I feel compelled and have to force my eyes up and not on his forming smile and those approaching lips.

"Why are you like this? I’ve only treated you poorly, never cared for you properly and yet you do not fall back, what do you want from me?" I ask, truly confused at such being Ethan is, after all is only natural to want to stay away from someone who does not care nor treat you right, and not feel attracted and even closer to them by it.

Then why?

He steps closer, moving a bang of long hair away from my face and securing it behind my ear, but before I can get carried away by his tenderness and touch I give a step back myself, and with a sudden realization and a burst of anger I say:

"You were bewitched by my gaze weren’t you? By this beauty spell, you are just spellbound by its effects but wake up, I’m a beast, a magical creature!" I say, opening my wings wide and twisting my for once free tail around, giving him a clear and straight view to make my point and if there was any doubt he had noticed before by some miracle now I made sure he saw it all. "Can’t you see? Then stop bothering me and find something better to do with your time!"

And yet he seems to ignore my outburst, does not even glance at my wings and in fact takes my hands on his and without looking away gives a kiss on my knuckles, resting my cold hand against the warm skin of his hands and lips, and that shuts me right up.

"I already knew." He says, making me truly surprised and about to question him when his face comes up again only to stay very close to mine and, for a moment, he stands there, as if taking me all in, close enough to kiss.

And kiss me he does.