Surviving marriage in yandere world-Chapter 78: The Great Wedding War

Rei was not prepared for this.

Not that he was ever prepared for anything in this absurd life, but he had at least hoped the end would be quiet. Peaceful. A nice, quiet elopement with a non-stabby librarian perhaps. Instead, he stood in the eye of a matrimonial hurricane, wrapped in holy robes, with five different wedding bells ringing simultaneously in five different directions.

The Royal Palace had become a warzone. A luxurious, lace-draped, rose-scented warzone.

A battleground of love—and property damage.

[System Notification: Congratulations! All Five Wedding Ceremonies Have Been Scheduled! Simultaneously! Because what’s better than true love? Mass confusion.]

[System Status Update: "Survival Marriage Protocol" Active. Current Heart Rate: 178 bpm. Likelihood of Groom Spontaneously Combusting: 14% and rising.]

It all began at precisely 9:00 AM.

The Velvet Kingdom’s Grand Cathedral had been split into five symmetrical wings overnight—each converted into a personalized wedding altar by a team of magically enslaved decorators and traumatized florists. There were rumors one florist had tried to escape and was now a flower arrangement.

Princess Seraphina’s wing looked like a sun temple exploded—golden curtains, radiant gems, celestial choirs floating mid-air on platforms of light. Even her bouquet was glowing. She stood at the altar in a radiant wedding dress that somehow had its own solar orbit.

"My beloved Rei," she whispered as he was wheeled in like a sacrificial offering, "our eternal kingdom awaits."

Drakana’s wing, by contrast, looked like a volcano with tulle.

Her guests were war generals. Her priest was a fire elemental. Her aisle was made of obsidian, and she wore a battle dress dipped in dragon blood and lace.

"Say ’I do’ or be consumed by my flames," she purred lovingly.

Rosette’s altar was a silent nightmare of gothic beauty.

Crows perched on obsidian columns. The cathedral windows wept blood. Her wedding gown had armor plating, and she carried a ceremonial wedding scythe engraved with Rei’s name... and measurements.

"You will be mine," she intoned flatly. "I’ve already embalmed our cake."

Meanwhile, Lilia’s aisle featured a 400-meter-long red carpet shaped like a love heart. The altar? A coffin literally. yes a coffin on wheels.

"It’s symbolic!" Lilia chirped. "Death till death do us part!"

Lucivella’s demon realm annex was swirling with tentacles, rose petals, and intoxicating love pheromones.

Her bouquet tried to bite the priest.

"Rei, darling, you shall be the Demon King’s consort by midnight," she said sweetly, as a demon ring wriggled in her palm.

And poor Rei?

He was being dragged from altar to altar like an unwilling divine offering, tossed into a new tuxedo each time like a soggy ragdoll, face flushed, eyes empty, heart rate climbing like a cursed stock chart.

[System Mission: {Survive All Five Ceremonies Without Dying or Committing Bigamy (Again)} – Status: YOU POOR FOOL]

[System Passive-Aggressive Mode: Activated.]

[Tip: Have you considered running? Oh wait. That’s right. You’re chained to the procession float.]

At 9:23 AM, explosions started.

Seraphina’s sun-powered choir launched a divine aria that blew out the east wing windows—causing Drakana’s fire monks to retaliate with a flaming solo that turned the floral arrangements into mulch.

At 9:30 AM, Lilia’s coffin suddenly began rolling toward Rosette’s altar like a demonic shopping cart.

Rosette sliced it in half with her wedding scythe.

Lilia burst into tears. "That was my love carriage!"

Rosette blinked. "I will build you a better one. Out of bone."

At 9:45 AM, Lucivella summoned a bouquet made entirely of sentient tentacles. It grabbed Rei by the waist and tried to "escort" him down her aisle.

"Let go of my husband!" Seraphina shouted, flinging a solar flare through the stained glass window.

The tentacle bouquet was vaporized. The priest was moderately singed.

Rei lay in the middle of the blast zone, partially dressed in one of Seraphina’s veils, coughing up rose petals.

[System Warning: Groom Integrity Falling. Emotional Stability at 3%. Suggesting Meditation or Voluntary Amnesia.]

It got worse because at 10:00 AM, all five wedding marches started at once.

One orchestra, five melodies and zero survivors. Every altar began its vow recital simultaneously. Rei’s poor eardrums twitched as priests shouted over each other.

"Do you, Rei Velmond, swear your soul—"

"To love and obey—"

"To join the bloodlines—"

"To rule the Nether Realms—"

"To wear matching pajamas—"

"...till death do you part?"

Rei opened his mouth and sneezed.

[System Alert: ACHOO Protocol Activated. Random Matrimonial Outcome Engaged.]

[Calculating Sneeze Vector...]

[Trajectory complete.]

[Legal Husband of: The Royal Velvet Bed]

The room went silent. The magical lottery spun. A glittering roulette wheel of matrimonial chaos. The dial stopped on a golden silhouette.

And...

"Did it just say... the bed?" Lucivella blinked.

"The bed is the bride?!" Lilia shrieked.

Rei coughed into his sleeve. "I swear I didn’t plan that."

Drakana narrowed her eyes. "So you’ve been intimate with the furniture."

Seraphina looked at the bed, then at Rei. Then slowly pulled out her sword.

"It’s the honeymoon dungeon all over again," Rosette muttered, adjusting her veil and preparing to fight the bedframe.

"Who dares to steal my groom?!" shouted Lilia, brandishing a bouquet like a dagger.

The bed creaked ominously under pressure. Someone—possibly the demonic flower girl—screamed. Lucivella was already summoning a new bouquet beast. The palace exploded into chaos.

[System Notification: Congratulations! The Great Wedding War Has Begun! Casualties: One Ego, Three Gowns, Forty-Two Dignities.]

[System Suggestion: Pretend to faint. Again.]

Rei took the advice and he collapsed in slow motion, face-down into a floral cake, arms limp, soul already halfway to reincarnation.

Thunk.

No one noticed.

Rosette was dueling a demonic caterer. Drakana was mid-air, grappling a solar angel. Lucivella had begun enchanting a second bouquet. Lilia tried to shove Rei’s unconscious body into the coffin again.

"Don’t worry! This counts as a ceremony!"

Seraphina, ablaze in righteous fury, was preparing a divine judgment spell shaped like a wedding ring.

From the heavens, a single tear fell. It was the florist’s.

[System Status: Rei Velmond – Status: "Emotionally Unavailable (Flatline Mode)"]

[Marriage Detected: "To Velvet Royal Bed" – Validity: 87% (Pending Furniture Registry Approval)]

And through it all, somewhere in the rafters of the palace, munching on caramel popcorn and taking bets from a floating cupid, Goddess Eris cackled.

"Best. Day. Ever."

Rei’s consciousness hovered somewhere between floral frosting-induced asphyxiation and the desperate hope that death by wedding cake would qualify as a clean exit from this nightmare.

Unfortunately, the universe disagreed.

[System Rebooting... Groom Still Alive.]

[Emotional Status: Frosted. Dignity: Misplaced. Cake Flavor: Lavender-Lemon Regret.]

A hand yanked him upright by the collar.

"Up, darling. You haven’t even kissed the bride," Lucivella purred, licking frosting off his cheek with unsettling enthusiasm.

"I am the bride!" screeched Lilia, waving a decapitated flower girl’s tiara like a victory flag.

"No," Rosette corrected in a tone like a guillotine’s final swing. "He married the bed."

The bed, to its credit, looked smug. Possibly even fluffed. Its silken canopy rustled as if in victory.

Drakana hurled her bouquet at it like a fireball. "Come out and fight, coward!"

Seraphina, her eyes glowing with holy judgment, aimed her radiant blade at the mattress. "If Rei must be stolen, it shall be by a worthy opponent!"

The priest tried to intervene. He was vaporized mid-sentence by a stray solar chant.

Meanwhile, Rei, dazed and sticky with icing, tried crawling under the altar, but Lilia tackled him like a starving raccoon with abandonment issues.

"No escaping the honeymoon coffin!" she declared, grabbing a ball-and-chain shaped like a heart. "We even practiced vows while you were sleeping!"

"I was in a coma," Rei wheezed.

"Exactly! That counts as mutual silence!"

Lucivella’s tentacle bouquet slithered toward him again, whispering proposals in ancient demonic tongues. Seraphina purified it with a beam of sunlight. Drakana hurled a confetti grenade.

Rosette, calmly wiping blood off her ceremonial ring-knife, loomed over him.

"Option one: we elope. Option two: you die and I animate your body for the vows. Option three: surprise me."

"Why do all of those sound like the same option?" Rei whimpered.

"Because they are," Rosette said, smiling faintly.

The chaos swirled around them like a romantic hurricane of psychosis.

A choir burst into song. Fireworks exploded from the ceiling. The chandeliers caught fire. A demon officiant caught a bouquet and immediately burst into tears.

And still, the System refused to let Rei go.

[System Prompt: Accept Bonus Mission — "Legalize Your Furniture Marriage to Avoid Further Bloodshed"]

[Reward: One Week of Peaceful Sleep + Anti-Coffin Buff]

Rei clicked Decline with his tongue.

[Response Recorded. May the gods have mercy.]

Suddenly, above the madness, the sky cracked, not metaphorically.

A literal crack split the palace dome, revealing a blinding rift in the heavens. Light poured through as a divine figure descended slowly, surrounded by floating sparkles, legal documents, and coupons for wedding cakes.

"ENOUGH," boomed a familiar, exasperated voice.

Goddess Eris, wearing a judge’s wig and sipping tea out of a flaming goblet, hovered mid-air.

"This mess is legally embarrassing. I gave you five wives for comedy, not carnage!"

She snapped her fingers. All combatants froze mid-swing. Even the possessed bouquet paused mid-chokehold.

Rei blinked. "You... you stopped them?"

"Of course not," Eris said sweetly. "I just cast pause cutscene. The chaos resumes in thirty seconds."

Rei screamed into the cake again.

"Anyway," she continued, glancing over the crowd, "weddings are annulled. All of them. New mission starts now."

[New Main Mission Unlocked: "Marry the Demon Queen to Save the World"]

Rei’s face turned ghostly pale.

Lucivella perked up. "Oh? Now we’re official?"

The demon realm trembled with excitement.

Rosette readied her scythe. Lilia kicked open the coffin lid. Drakana ignited like a volcano. Seraphina unsheathed a second holy sword.

The countdown resumed.

Three...

Two...

One...

[System Status: Doomed.]

To be continued...