The Hunted Regressor: My Heretic Saint System-Chapter 29: Absolutely Pathetic

***

Hours Earlier...

Wet wood hissed and smoked, coughing black into Felix’s face every time he leaned down to blow on it, dying rather than igniting.

Every fire he created barely functioned, sputtering out for a long time before eventually ceasing.

"...this is definitely working."

Sighing, he went back to searching.

This jungle wasn’t exactly dry, and he was far from a survival expert. All he knew was that he needed a dead tree, or at least a branch, but he wasn’t finding any. Even the fallen branches he found on the ground were still wet, so it felt like a lost cause.

’Am I really going to tell the Young Lord I couldn’t even light a damned fire?!’

He couldn’t believe that this was what had him stuck.

Felix was nothing more than a butler, so his thoughts never really went in that direction; despite them going into the wild. That meant that he hadn’t prepared for this at all.

"Dammit."

Frustrated at himself, he kicked a half-dead pile of leaves.

"...oh."

Luck seemed to have smiled on him—or maybe it was pity—because his foot had clipped a small stack of dry wood tucked right beneath the leaves, as if prepared and stored there by someone else.

"Oh!"

He blinked at it, a smile gracing his face.

"Thank the Gods!"

Luck giveth; Calamity taketh away... though he didn’t seem to notice that.

Humming with happiness, Felix picked the dry wood up and waddled back to camp.

Just as night began to fall, he had a small but steady flame crackling in front of him.

But before he could celebrate his incredibly hard-earned victory...

"Who do we have here?"

A group of dangerous-looking men made their way into the camp.

"A-Ah, you... you’re not..."

Felix’s eyes widened.

’MY LOOOOOOOOORD! SAAAAVE MEEEEEE!’

...

"C’mon, dance harder, boy!"

Felix jumped and spun around before the group with tears falling down his face.

"If you want to rest, scream for that lord of yours to come!"

He was terrified and angry in equal measure...

’I DON’T WANT TO DANCE ANYMOOORE!’

Never was he humiliated like this before!

"Hey, boss, I think the meat’s ready. Let’s get him to cook."

The man those words were directed at nodded his head and gestured for Felix to stop.

"You heard him, boy. Get to work!"

"Y-Yes Sir!"

Immediately stopping his dancing, Felix quickly rushed to a nearby tree.

On it was a monkey hanging upside down, remnants of blood beneath it.

’...it should be dry by now, right?’

Asking that question to no one in particular, he brought it down and proceeded to skin it with clumsy hands. 𝒇𝒓𝙚𝒆𝔀𝓮𝓫𝒏𝓸𝙫𝓮𝓵.𝓬𝙤𝙢

"How are you so damn clumsy?"

"You’re a butler, and you can’t even do this right?!"

"My blind and one-handed grandmother prepares better than you!"

He removed its guts and disgusting-looking bits while receiving harsh comments from the bastards watching him.

Cutting some of it up, he began to roast the cleaner meat on a few sticks that he had been forced to prepare earlier.

It still looked bad, but... it was better than starving.

"Oh, it looks like you’re already cooking~."

Felix’s eyes widened as he looked up at that voice.

It was his Young Lord, "IGNOTUS!"

Leaving the fire, he quickly rushed to Ignotus and hugged him, wiping his tears and snot on his clothes.

"YOUUUUNG LOOOORD!"

"Urgh, get off me!"

But Felix wasn’t listening, too happy to see him.

Sighing, Ignotus looked up from his butler, only now noticing the newcomers.

’Hm. My Calamity at play again.’

There was no doubt that it was the case...

Sure, Felix lighting a fire in the forest would have attracted attention due to the smoke it produced, but the region was massive. The chance that two groups were close enough to each other to see a fire’s small wisp of smoke was incredibly low.

Eris, of course, knew that to be the case as well, but unlike last time, She offered no apology, and Ignotus didn’t even comment on it.

It wasn’t only because they’d accepted it, but also because they knew that Calamity wasn’t the only factor at play here.

Bad luck or not, there was practically no reason for another group to be here in the first place.

They came here with a purpose, and that ’purpose’ undoubtedly was Ignotus’s death.

"Urgh, get off me! You’re getting snot on my only shirt!"

Instead of continuing that thought, Ignotus peeled Felix off his chest.

"Do you know how hard it is to get monkey blood out of cotton?"

He pushed the weeping butler aside and turned his attention to the group of uninvited guests.

There were seven of them, all dressed in leather armor with their hoods up and daggers out.

They looked like the common evil henchman one would find in a local city market.

The leader, a man with a jagged scar running down his chin, stepped forward.

"So..."

He spun a jagged dagger in his hand and licked it, trying to look intimidating.

"You’re the Trash of House Plant?"

He looked Ignotus up and down.

"The failure who ran away?"

Ignotus glanced at Felix, who quickly bowed his head.

"I’m sorry, Young Lord! They forced me to tell them!"

Sighing, he wiped down his face.

"And you are?"

"We are the Night Walkers."

The leader puffed out his chest.

"Assassins hired by—"

"Shut up."

Ignotus interrupted, making the leader’s eye twitch.

"E-Excuse me?!"

"I said shut up. Your name is something only a ten-year-old would like, your outfit is cheap, and you talk too much for a supposed assassin. Who the Hell licks their weapons? Did you really think that was intimidating? Is there a way to shut you people up for all eternity? I swear, just looking at you is making me dumber."

Ignotus sighed and stared at the sky.

"Felix."

From behind a tree, where he was currently trembling, Felix poked his head out.

"Y-Yes, Young Lord?"

"Stay there and don’t peek out. I’d rather you stay alive."

"Of course! Absolutely! I shall remain rooted to this spot!"

Felix saluted, retracting his head like a turtle.

Ignotus cracked his neck.

"Alright, it’s playtime."

The leader snarled:

"Kill him! Bring me his hea—"

He didn’t finish the sentence.

Ignotus had moved. With the new stats from his now six ordination coursing through his veins, he wasn’t the sluggish boy from the morning but was much faster and stronger.

He stepped inside the leader’s guard before the man could even fully lift his dagger.

His sword went in through the stomach and out through the spine.

Ignotus didn’t stop.

He yanked the blade out—"One"—and spun.

The second assassin, standing to his right, barely had time to widen his eyes.

Ignotus kicked him in the knee, shattering it, and as the man buckled, Ignotus slashed across his throat.

"Two."

The third and fourth assassins tried to rush him together, only for Ignotus to drop and slide through the dirt, before quickly slashing at their ankles.

""ARRRRGGGGH!""

They fell.

"Three..."

Ignotus stood up and finished them with two quick, precise stabs to the heart.

"Four."

It had taken him around six seconds to kill four of them, only that.

Ignotus stood in the middle of the camp with blood dripping from his blade.

The remaining three assassins stood frozen. Their weapons were raised, but their hands were shaking so hard they looked like they were playing a very weird and pointy instrument.

They kept staring at the bodies of their comrades and then at the Demon in human skin standing before them, who’d casually flicked the blood off his sword at them.

"How about you freeze, hm?"

His words were low in volume, but the effect was instant.

The three assassins stiffened, their boots locking into the dirt.

They didn’t breathe nor blink... absolutely, utterly terrified.

Ignotus walked up to the one on the left.

The guy was young, maybe on the cusp of being twenty years old.

Tears were streaming down his face, mixing with the dirt on his cheeks.

Ignotus tilted his head and observed him for a few moments.

"Are you crying?"

The assassin whimpered.

"Wow..."

Ignotus shook his head.

"You people are absolutely pathetic."