You Will Only Be Mine-Chapter 399: Weapon

"I'm sorry…" I constantly mutter under my breath, holding onto her frame. Her gentle hand kept stroking my hair, comforting me.

"It's alright," she whispered through the kiss that was put on my forehead. I wanted to open my eyes, but I was scared. I was too scared even to face her after what I had done. I don't know what overcame me. The urge to rip into her flesh; everything felt so ecstatic in the moment, but now, the mere thought of it makes my stomach turn. I don't want to open my eyes because I am too scared to look at her blood drenching our bedsheets.

I clung to her and pulled her closer to me with my shaking hands. How does she still put up with this? Is she not scared of what just happened? I was the one who just hurt Ai, I should be the one who should be comforting her. I should have been the one asking if she was okay. If anything, I should be the one looking after her. Why is she so calm after all this?

"I'm sorry…" Those were the only words that could come out of my mouth. No matter what I could think out loud, I just could not get any of those thoughts onto my tongue.

"It's okay," she whispered, nuzzling her nose in my hair. I nuzzled my face in her neck as a response to her gesture. Everything was so quiet but loud at the same time. If it were any other situation, I would never want to get out of the position I am in, but my mind is a complete mess. I still don't understand what just happened to me. It feels like a bad dream, but I know it wasn't one. I had an overwhelming urge to kill Ai, for my hunger of blood and flesh.

I wanted to open my eyes and stare at her face to calm myself, yet I was too scared to know what expression she was making. Was she smiling? Was she calm? Or was she scared? Just pretending to be strong for my sake? Knowing Ai, that is very likely the case. I don't want that, not her out of everyone. Ai loves me for everything and who I am. She won't be scared of me, right? Yes, she would be surprised and shocked by what happened, but she will understand, right? There is no need to be scared of me.

Who am I kidding?

I just almost ripped her neck off. No way she won't be scared. I don't even want to know what expression I was making. I could hear her heartbeat, it wasn't getting faster, just a steady beat all through. That must mean she felt calm, right? That is exactly what this means. If she was scared, her heart would be beating much faster. Her head needing more blood to think of a way to escape a scary situation. Ai isn't scared of me, right?

This chapt𝓮r is updat𝒆d by ƒreeωebnovel.ƈom.

"Please…" I mustered every bit of my courage to say something different. "…don't."

"Don't what, Kazu-kun?" she spoke up, but I just buried my face deeper into her neck. Oh no, my heart is beating fast; I can hear it so clearly. I don't like this feeling. She won't leave me for this, right? Maybe not now, but if I kept up with this, would she still continue to stay with me? Will she keep loving me? For whatever I turn into.

No. Shut up... SHUT UP. Don't think; stop thinking. You are not helping having thoughts like this, Kazuki. Ai is doing everything in her power to keep you comfortable, you are the one who hurt her. You have no damn right to feel like this. You did this, it was all you and no one else's doing. Don't you dare start feeling bad for you. You don't get to do that.

I want to open my eyes, but I'm scared. What if the feeling of her skin against me is a figment of my imagination? Think about it, you just got almost eaten by your boyfriend. Why would you even stay? It makes no sense. You need to have some sort of self-preservation, right?

She is not safe with me. That's it. That is how I am feeling.

No, you are not.

She isn't safe with me. I can't trust myself on this.

Shut up.

Ai would be better off without me. I hurt her, not just once but many times today.

Stop. THINKING.

She would probably leave me anyway if I kept this up. Sounds only fair, right?

You are out of your damn fucking mind.

"I'm sorry…" I muttered yet again, tears swelling up in my eyes. Leave me…no. No, no, no, no, no no, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

"It's oka- "

"IT'S FUCKING NOT!!" I yelled, holding onto her tighter. I wanted to open my eyes to face her, but I couldn't muster up the courage.

Just how pathetic can I be?

"It was not okay! Do you not see that, Ai?" See? How can I even say that when I can't even fully face her? "I had this- this urge to just rip your throat off. How is that okay?! How is any of it okay?!"

"Because it happens- when you turn into a vampire fir- "

"I'm not turning into a vampire!" I lashed out yet again. I could feel her flinch as my words pierced through her. Lashing out at her and still holds her like a baby. What am I even doing? "I'm just…more human than I am vampire. That is what I am, it's what who I am."

"Kazu-ku- "

"And you just say that it's okay? All of this? Are you sure this is okay? Everything I am doing, everything I am feeling, is any part of it okay?"

"THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" she yelled back at me; I felt her frame pulling away from me for a mere second, but I latched onto her like a parasite. Tears started to flow out of my eyes. "What? You would have preferred to just die? Left me all alone to battle this crazy battle all by myself? Is that what you want me to do? How can you be so selfish as to say that? So what? You are not fully human right now, SO FUCKING WHAT?! I had to live like this my entire life. Then what? Everything that I am, my entire existence is wrong according to you? Is that what you mean?"

"N-no…" I started to panic. I raised my head to look at her, but my eyes were closed; they weren't open. I was still scared, scared to see her hurt. "That is not what I am trying to say- "

"Then what are you trying to say?" she replied in a stern tone. "You're not happy to be a vampire? Is that something that is bothering you? Are you having urges that you have never had? Well, welcome to my world. I have lived like this my entire life, but did I make a fuss about it? No, why? Because I have gone through this longer than you. I learned, I survived and learned."

"Then please…" I started begging her. "Please teach me…I don't want this; I don't want to hurt you…"

"I can teach you how to control the urges, but I cannot teach you to come to terms with yourself. I know it's hard for you, and I wish I could take that pain away from you, but I cannot. Do you know why? Because I am not you."

Every word from her, though sounding like a scolding, was her still trying to help me. Make me understand her side, see the world that she has been seeing all her life. I tried opening my eyes, but I couldn't. I wanted to face her, but I couldn't; the guilt of my mistakes was too heavy to even open my eyes.

Open, please. Look at her, please, I beg of you. I can't keep going on like this.

OPEN!

The light entering from the curtain suddenly made me squint, but through the blurry image I could process, I finally looked at Ai. It was way worse than what I had imagined. She wasn't scared, she was not calm, neither was she disgusted.

I raised my hand and wiped her cheeks. "I'm sorry…" I said again, looking at her. Her lips trembled, but before she could say anything, I pressed her head to my neck. "I was scared," I confessed.

"Why?" she asked, her heart slowly calming.

"I was scared of looking at you after what I just thought I did. The sight I saw was…the emotions I felt were disgusting. God, I felt like the worst person to ever exist in that moment. I was scared to honestly look at you because I couldn't come to terms with myself. I still am not fully coming to terms with it. I am sorry, but it will take some time," I said, nuzzling my face into her hair. Her scent was lovely, only now I didn't have the urge to rip into her flesh, yet my mind went in that direction for a second, making my body shudder. No, I won't let that happen. Not now, not ever.

"It's okay…" she muttered.

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