The Substitute Healer (BL)-Chapter 81: “Ugh… hngh…”

That day, Soren wanted nothing more than to acknowledge his mother’s death anniversary, even if it was already late. He had missed the actual date because of the drowning accident, and now, stationed in the north, returning home to visit her grave was impossible.

He told himself that it didn’t have to be elaborate.

Just a brief moment of silence, a thought spared for her in the middle of the day and something small, but sincere.

Remembering her no longer came with sharp pain, only a steady weight he had grown used to carrying. It was familiar, and quiet.

The pain was there but it was quite manageable.

Or probably because, he thought it himself.

What Soren hadn’t expected was how the day would refuse to stay simple.

Events unfolded one after another, leaving him little time to linger on his thoughts.

The atmosphere around him felt different, strained in a way he couldn’t easily ignore. And after what had happened between him and the prince, Cael, things were no longer as straightforward as before.

Their encounter lingered at the back of his mind, unresolved and inconvenient. Though Soren didn’t dwell on it openly, it disrupted the calm he had hoped for, pulling his focus away from the one thing he wanted to do that day.

At some point, he realized that his quiet remembrance had been pushed aside, buried beneath responsibility and unspoken tension, just another personal matter left unfinished.

All Soren wanted, after finishing his tasks inside the tent, was a moment of silence just enough to be alone with his thoughts and remember his mother. It had been a difficult day. He had never once failed to honor her death anniversary before,

not until now.

He tried to recall her the way she truly was. Her gentle smile, the softness of her voice and the warmth of her touch. He remembered her calm wisdom, the way she cooked with patience rather than haste, how she carried herself when she stood, and the lightness of her laugh whenever she teased him.

All of it lived only in fragments now, carefully kept and buried deep within his mind.

Of everyone in the world, his mother had been the kindest soul he had ever known.

She loved without restraint, and expectation.

And though his father had been rough, aggressive, and crude, Soren remained grateful because for however brief of a time, he had been given a mother who was beautiful, kind, and gentle beyond measure.

The only cruelty was that fate had never allowed her to stay long enough to truly watch over him.

With a small bouquet of Galanthus or commonly known as snowdrops, cradled in his hand, Soren headed toward the eastern side of the encampment.

He had intended to offer Sunveil Lilies which is a pale gold flowers that bloomed at the height of summer and faded gently at dusk, a reminder of the warmth his mother left behind but the north was unforgiving and cold, and such flowers could not exist here.

In the end, he chose snowdrops instead which is his own favorite. Modest, resilient, and quietly beautiful that reminded him of her as being gentle, kind, and self-sacrificing.

It was meant to be a moment shared only between a son and his memories.

Then, without warning, hands seized him from behind.

Soren was dragged back and shoved hard against a massive snow-covered tree with the impact sending a sharp tremor through his spine. Before he could even gather his breath, voices crashed over him.

Painful words are thrown to him such as insults, blame and accusations that he couldn’t understand where it’s coming from.

All at once, the silence he had been holding onto disappeared, and a heavy sadness filled Soren’s chest. For the first time, he felt like something inside him had truly broken.

"Ugh... hngh..." The sound slipped out before he could stop it. 𝕗𝗿𝕖𝐞𝐰𝗲𝕓𝐧𝕠𝕧𝗲𝐥.𝚌𝐨𝚖

He then collapsed onto the snowy ground while clutching his chest with his right hand as if it could hold his feelings in place. Seeing the flowers fell with him with their white petals scattered and crushed against the snow, with a lifeless yet tearing eyes, he reached for it.

The truth was, Soren didn’t really understand why he was crying.

He only knew that his chest hurt so badly it felt hard to breathe and he wanted to say something, anything, but no words came out.

His throat felt tight, like it was closing up on him.

Still on the ground, he slowly picked up the Galanthus flowers one by one.

As he did, thoughts of his mother kept coming back, and he realized he couldn’t keep his usual calm self anymore.

The expression he always wore, the one that hid everything, finally fell apart.

This time, his emotions were written all over his face.

He was used to hiding his pain, to staying quiet and making himself invisible.

He had always tried not to cause trouble for anyone so he couldn’t understand why people still blamed him, why he was still seen as the problem, when all he had ever done was try his best to stay out of the way.

Soren had been sure he was doing the right thing.

He believed that if he kept his head down and carried himself properly, people would stop seeing him as a nuisance but even Lyric, someone he had known for a while and someone he’d heard had been defending him turned away.

When Lyric looked at him, there was nothing but a cold glare and disgust.

It was as if Soren had become something unpleasant in Lyric’s eyes and he recognized that look all too well because his father had looked at him the same way, back when he realized Soren couldn’t feel pain.

When he decided his own son was a freak, making the memory made his chest tighten.

At first, Lyric had felt different.

It had almost felt like good fortune.

Someone like him who usually showed his indifference so openly and had even fought with his own twin brother, had shown real concern for Soren.

For a while, Soren thought maybe this time would be different.

But it never lasted.

What hurt the most was how easily Lyric turned his back on him. There were no pause and hesitation, just a clean break.

And in that moment, Soren understood it clearly.

Lyric was no different from the others.

Really, no different at all.

"Mother..." Soren whispered as he leaned against the roots of the snowy tree. He hugged the flowers tightly to his chest while hidden from view, far enough that no one near the tents would notice him.

He was supposed to offer the flowers properly and say a prayer. Instead, he stayed there, crouched behind the tree while sobbing as her name slipped from his lips.

"Mother... I don’t know what to do," he said with a lifeless eye while now staring at the flowers with tears still flowing down his cheeks. "I really don’t. Please tell me what to do, like you always did."

His chest hurt with every breath.

"It hurts so much," he continued while his voice was breaking. "It’s strange, isn’t it? I wish it were physical pain instead. At least then I could heal it. I can close wounds and I can fix my body but my heart..." He pressed his hand to his chest. "I don’t know how to fix this. If I could, I’d rip it out just so I wouldn’t have to feel anything anymore."

He swallowed hard, tears dripping onto the snow.

"Are you okay up there, Mother?" he asked softly while trying to smile. "Are people hurting you too? I hope not. I’d rather be the one suffering than you. I always wanted you to be happy...though I’m sorry I can’t even be happy myself. Would you scold me for that?"

His grip on the flowers tightened.

"I miss you so much," he whispered as he tried to choke while trying to restrain himself from crying so hard. "Do I really have to keep living like this? I tried my best. I really did, didn’t I? If it still isn’t enough... I don’t know what else to do anymore."

His voice trembled.

"Why are people so cruel, Mother? Why can’t I live like everyone else? Why can’t I have even one day of happiness?"

He asked but only silence answered him.

"I don’t think I can keep my promise to you anymore," Soren said as he wiped his tears using the back of his hand though it’s still streaming down. "It hurts too much. Mother, ...I don’t think I can bear it."

Just as he was about to stand, he heard a rustle. When he turned toward the sound, he saw Caelius.

"Soren...?" Caelius asked while still panting, putting his hands on his knees.

"M-My lord... ah..." Soren stammered.

Realizing his face was probably streaked with tears and maybe snot, he quickly bowed, wiped his face, and then stood up while hiding the hand that held the flowers behind his back.

"Wait... are you crying?"

"No... I’m not, My lord," he lied, though Caelius could tell from the look in his eyes.

"Why are you here, My lord? It’s rather..." Soren glanced around while searching for an excuse. "It’s rather... dirty here..."

"Forget about that. Come with me... Someone has been looking for you."

Soren tried to sniffle quietly, but Caelius heard it anyway and he act like he didn’t seem surprised. Frowning, Soren gulped and asked, "Who could possibly be looking for me, My lord?"

"Well... he said his name is..."

Soren couldn’t hear his next words anymore because just past Caelius’s figure, he saw the very person whom, aside from his mother,

he treasured most.