A Court of Lost Stars-Chapter 38: The Weight of Yesterday

Nova swore she wouldn't get involved.

And she wasn't, not really. She had no intention of getting between Feyre and Nesta with their argument, but that didn't mean she couldn't have a moment of self-reflection and ask herself a simple question.

Was there anything she could do to help?

Nova knew it wasn't her fault that Feyre was upset, and she was almost certain that her mother knew it wasn't right to be upset with Nesta for how things had transpired. Still, Nova could admit she hadn't done anything to improve the situation, either. No, she wasn't obligated to change the established relationships in her life, but she could offer an olive branch to someone who wanted to build a connection with her.

Jealousy may have ruled Feyre's actions, but was it so unexpected? Since they'd arrived in Velaris, Nova had hardly spoken to either of her parents. A group setting where everyone exchanges casual conversation is different from a heart-to-heart, and even then, she remembered speaking more to Nesta and Ana than them directly. Time was crucial when gaining trust, but perhaps she'd been pushing herself away a little too hard.

It would be easier, she admitted to herself as she jogged through the dense forest, to not get too close to the people she'd be leaving again soon. After the meeting, she'd return to the Island, and while she'd like to visit, saying goodbye is easier when you don't know someone well enough to miss them.

The chill of the early morning hours ignited an energy within Nova that made her pick up the pace. She breathed in the air and sighed as the scent of rain greeted her. Slowing to a stop, Nova tilted her head back and gazed up at the sky as the first fat raindrops pelted her forehead. It didn't take much longer for her to find a suitable clearing for the task she was about to perform.

In the time it had taken her to find the space, the rain came down in torrents. Soaking her to her bones, Nova jogged around the perimeter, scouting for the best puddle before settling on one near the center. Dropping to the ground, Nova forced her face into the mucky water with each push-up. And she didn't stop until she hit one hundred.

'Let go! Please! Help! Help me!'

Nova gritted her teeth and set her brow at the screaming memories.

The jog back was pleasant and the breakfast table wasn't as full as yesterday. Her parents and uncles were there, along with Ana, but Nesta, Amren, and Mor were absent. Nova could only assume Nesta's intentions in not coming, but she'd hoped it would be something they could work out.

"Woah," Rhysand raised a brow and smiled as he took in Nova's muddy appearance, "You look like you had fun."

To be fair, it wasn't just a little dirt; she was practically stained in it. She shrugged with a smile, "Sorry. I'll get it cleaned up."

Cassian grinned around a bite of pancake. "I saw you while I was flying to Windhaven," he chuckled, and Nova's posture stiffened, "I'd have been surprised if you didn't show up dripping mud."

Skirting a defensive gaze toward him, she watched Cassian carefully as he took a bite of his eggs nonchalantly and washed it with a quick gulp of coffee. Just as she was about to turn to the stairs, he asked, "Why were you putting your face in the water? For as many times as you did it, I assumed it was part of your training. Did Nesta teach you to do that?"

It was an innocent question, so Nova kept her tone level as she answered, "No."

Cassian glanced up from his plate and met her gaze with questioning eyes. They stared at each other for a long moment before he slowly nodded, "Understood."

Giving a slight nod, Nova departed the room to bathe and change, leaving a bed of silence at the table. They watched her go, except for Ana, who kept her eyes glued to her plate to avoid accidentally making eye contact with anyone. She was sure they wouldn't ask her, but she didn't want to feel the weight of their eyes with the knowledge she harbored.

What happened that day was for Nova to tell and no one else.

Nova trudged up the stairs, loosening her ties with each step she took. Before long, she stood under the hot water longer than she needed to and stared at the wall. Why did he have to see her? At least on the Island, nobody questioned her because for the most part...they knew. Even if Nesta did her best to quiet the hushed voices, people knew what she did, and the respect she lost for it was fully deserved.

Releasing a soft sigh, Nova forced herself from the heat of the water and readied for the day. She couldn't dwell on things from the past, so instead, she focused on what was in front of her. The first order of business was to extend her olive branch.

Dressed and ready to face her family again, Nova arrived at the table just before everyone was finished and sat next to Feyre. Sitting beside someone she'd known for hardly three days felt unnatural, and if it were anyone else, she wouldn't have cared, but she'd heard the pain in her voice last night. Feyre's desire to be closer to her was not malicious- she'd been fueled by jealousy and pain.

Desperate people often say hurtful things.

"I was thinking," Nova said, gaining everyone's attention, but her eyes were on Feyre, "You mentioned you hunted?"

A soft smile curved Feyre's lips as she nodded slowly, not daring to steal a glance at Rhys. She wanted this, just a conversation...to be noticed.

I am a horrible, selfish mother, she thought to herself.

How could she have said those things? Nesta was right. She and Nova didn't know each other, no matter how many ways she wanted to spin reality. It was impossible to begin a loving mother-daughter relationship with someone you've known for less than seventy-two hours.

"I did," Feyre answered, "Are you interested in hunting?"

Nova shook her head, "Not particularly, unless I have to, but I saw a bow in the arena. I don't have much experience with them and wondered if you could teach me."

If it hadn't been for the increased thudding in her chest, Feyre would have thought her heart had exploded.

"I- Yes, of course, I'd love to."

Nova smiled, and no one discussed the conversation she'd walked into last night.

They didn't have to.

With that out of the way, the air in the room felt slightly lighter, and Feyre regained enough confidence to ask, "I was going to go to the city for some new paints if you'd like to join?"

Nova nodded with a smile. "Sure," she paused, "Just no dresses."

Laughing, Feyre nodded, "We'll steer clear of a few different shops, then. Ana," she leaned forward to see her, "Would you like to come along?"

"I'd love to." Ana smiled.

"Oh, Ana," Nova smirked as they walked past the lingerie shop, "Are you sure you don't want to stop in to browse?"

Turning to look, Ana's cheeks tinged a shade of red deeper than the lacy thong in the window. "Nova." She scolded her but couldn't fight the smile that curved her lips. "That is inappropriate."

Grinning, Nova shrugged, "Oh, sorry. Does Azriel prefer when you sleep in the nude?"

"Nova!" Her voice turned to a soft shriek, and her eyes darted around where they stood on the street.

"Ultimately, it's your decision, though," Nova continued, "Never let anyone tell you how to dress, let alone a man."

Ana narrowed her eyes at Nova as Feyre bit her lip, fighting a smile as she stood close beside them. Together, they stood in the Rainbow District touring some of the parts Nova hadn't had a chance to the day before. They'd passed many shops, but when Nova saw the sign for the lingerie store, she couldn't help but think of Adira. She would have dragged her inside and then complained that Nova wasn't taking it seriously enough.

"While on the topic of Az," Feyre arched a brow as they continued down the street, "You two looked very cozy on the couch last night. Anything you want to share?"

Casting a frantic glance between the two of them, Ana felt the flutter of butterflies in her belly. "I do not."

Smirking, Nova shrugged her shoulders, "I've been told I'm not very good at spotting romance, but anyone with eyes can see something is going on. I won't push, but," she glanced at her timid expression, "I just want you to be happy is all."

Ana pursed her lips and smiled before nodding, "I will not discuss it, but...I am happy."

It was all Nova needed to hear to relieve the ache in her heart. If anyone deserved happiness, it was Ana, and she knew that if she could be happy with anyone, what better person than Azriel? Nova didn't know him well, but she trusted Ana's judgment and she would support her if he was who she wanted.

"What about you and Peter?" Ana suddenly asked, raising a brow as she aimed the arrow the other way.

Nova raised a brow and glanced at her. While entering a new shop filled with crystals, she asked, "What about me and Peter?"

Looking up at the shelves, she stared with starry eyes as she tried to take it all in. Rocks of various shapes, sizes, colors, and textures sat in rows of displays. Their properties categorized them, and Nova wondered how much truth they held. She'd always felt connected to nature. She could feel songbirds in her ears and the sway of the trees in her heart, but how much here could she connect to, and how much was simply a pretty stone?

"Do you like him?" Ana asked, but Nova didn't answer as she picked up a jagged rock and examined it.

It was the color of an early golden sunrise and shiny enough that she could see her partial reflection. Looking up at the sign's explanation, she placed it back in the bin. She wasn't interested in attracting wealth. Moving to the next stone, clear quartz, also led her to place it back into its home. She likely needed healing of some sort, but she didn't crave it most.

What did she crave?

Nova's fingers grazed along the stones as she passed, eyes looking ahead, distracted by an eagle statue dusted with what appeared fine gold. How much did that cost, she wondered. Freezing, a jolt of electricity surged through her fingers, arm, and neck. Twitching, she looked down at her hand. Beneath lay two rocks: a deep green and a glowing red.

Which one called to her?

Glancing at the signs, she pursed her lips into a thin line. Did she need balance or courage?

Balance. She answered herself almost instantly. Still, when her fingertips brushed against the carnelian, the same jolt of energy coursed through her veins; perhaps she needed both. When she sought the price tag, her heart lept into her throat, and she quickly pulled her fingers away.

Where else might she find stones like this?

"Nova?"

Meeting Ana's curious gaze, she raised her brows. "Hm?"

"I asked if you enjoyed Peter's company."

Nodding, Nova shrugged. "I didn't feel uncomfortable."

With a subtle curve of her lips, Ana nodded. It would likely be the best answer she'd get from her, and she'd take it. She didn't want to push them into an early friendship, but Nova needed friends. She needed support, even if she didn't realize it. Those who say they are better off alone have never felt the warmth of sincere comradery. No, not everyone was destined for one life or another; every path was one of choice. Still, the nights of cold darkness could often be softened with even one person who cared.

The door chime signaled that someone new had entered. Recognition didn't hit until Feyre greeted the new patron with a smile.

"Kyra, it's been a while," Feyre said, walking toward her and embracing her. Squeezing her hands, she asked, "How have you been?"

Kyra beamed and replied, "Well enough. I'm here on orders from Inez. She's asking for clear quartz..." As she spoke, her eyes scanned the varied display cases. "Ah!" She proclaimed. "There it is."

Walking toward the bin where the stones were stacked in neat rows, Kyra's eyes landed on Nova, and she froze.

"Oh, shit..."

Nova raised her brows, looked at Feyre, and glanced back at Kyra. "Hello..."

Kyra grinned, "Nova? Peter said you were back, but," she looked up and down and smirked, "It's good to see you."

"This is Kyra." Ana supplied. "Do you remember her?"

Nova slowly shook her head, and Kyra shrugged indifferently, "Not to worry. I might have been easy to forget last time, but I won't be now."

Biting her lower lip, Feyre said, "We were just thinking of getting something to eat if you'd like to join us."

"Absolutely," Kyra nodded and held up two large crystals. "I'll purchase these, and I'll be ready."

It wasn't without difficulty for Nova to keep the disappointment from her face. She'd hoped the day would consist of Feyre and Ana. It had already been awkward trying to supply a conversation, but at least Ana had been a buffer when Nova didn't know what to say. Now, she had to apply another mask while this one had already proven difficult to breathe in.

"Are you finished, Nova?" Feyre asked.

Nova nodded, "Yes. I'll...meet you outside." She swallowed the hidden lump in her throat and left the store to stand on the street. She was sure Kyra was nice enough. Perhaps they even had some things in common. Rhysand had mentioned they'd make good friends, but Nova didn't have friends. She'd lived most of her life in solitary, and she liked it that way. The only person who had broken through parts of her outer shell had been Adira, and Nova still wasn't sure how she'd gained access.

Were she and Peter friends?

Yes, she supposed they were. After all, she'd told him about whale watching with Nesta. She gritted her teeth and scowled at the bakery down the road to her left. Why was she becoming porous in this place? She couldn't be a sponge. Even if she soaked up bits of happiness, she also ran the risk of embracing poison.

Nova had to be smarter than that.

Breathing in, she felt it expand her chest; Nova closed her eyes and turned off the sound. She was only aware of the beating of her heart, which slowed as she calmed down. It was the soft touch against her shoulder that she opened her eyes to find Ana smiling patiently. Turning the sound back on, she gave a subtle nod so she knew she could hear her.

"We're going to get something to eat, and Kyra suggested bringing our lunch to the theatre."

"Alright," she responded, watching Feyra and Kyra leave the shop together. Each carried a little paper sack.

Smiling, Feyre turned to Nova as they joined them. "Go ahead," she addressed Kyra and Ana, "I want to talk to Nova."

Nova's expression twisted into uncertainty as the other two went ahead.

"Don't worry," Feyre assured with a smile and offered her the bag, "I just wanted to give this without an audience."

Frowning, Nova took the bag with hesitant fingers. She opened it and peered inside to see the jade and carnelian quartz nestled at the bottom. Her heart stopped as she slowly looked up, meeting her mother's smile with a frown.

"I don't want to owe anyone anything." Nova offered the bag back.

Feyre blinked, "No, Nova, it isn't something you owe. It's a gift."

"I know how much they cost."

"Yes, but..."

"I don't want to owe anyone."

Feyre frowned and swallowed harshly as she slowly nodded, bringing the bag to her chest. Perhaps she wasn't used to being given things like this, she thought, and then chose her words carefully, "Nova," she met her daughter's scowl – she could see her building the bricks against her already -"I felt the same as you do now. I had nothing and was suddenly given everything. I understand that feeling as if you don't deserve the good things people offer, but please know this is a simple gesture of my love to you. Because I knew they would make you happy. I'll hold onto them for now. Your birthday is only five weeks away. In that time, perhaps you'll be open to the gift."

Swallowing back her initial response, Nova sighed, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude."

"I know..." Feyre smiled warmly and squeezed her wrist. "Let's go eat. I'm starved."

It was an awkward, silent walk to Rita's, but at least Kyra and Ana had already placed orders, and the food was ready within a few more minutes. It was lucky that Kyra provided most of the conversation. She'd been given rank to oversee the female training camp five years before and, in that time, had managed to combine based on skill and skill alone. After centuries of tradition, men and women Illyrians of the same skill level trained side-by-side under their commanders.

Nova smirked and said, "As it should be." It was the only thing she said walking through the Rainbow District toward the outdoor theatre.

"You know," Kyra said, looking at Nova as they all sat on the stone benches with the rest of the spectators. "The last time we were here, it was cold, and you were adamant that everyone had something warm and soft to sit on—even Finch, who was being an absolute asshole to you. I knew who you were in that moment."

Glancing at her, Nova frowned with furrowed brows.

"Good." Kyra supplied the answer to an unspoken question.

Nova turned her attention to the actors taking the stage and tried not to let the warm, bubbly sensation in her chest reach her eyes. They watched the performance of a lost romance rekindled by the gravity of war, but Nova, uninterested, occasionally glanced at Kyra, who was leaning back and relaxed as she devoured her sandwich dripping in olive oil.

Perhaps being her friend wouldn't be so awful, she thought.

"By the way," Kyra leaned over and whispered while watching the couple on stage embrace and stick their tongues down each other's throats, "There's a bonfire tonight if you'd like to join us."

"Sure," Nova answered, and she meant it.

"How was the outing?" Rhysand asked.

He and Azriel sat at the dining table across from each other over a chess game while the reverberation of steel against steel could be heard from the training room down the hall. Nesta was here, Nova thought as she listened to Cassian's laughs of approval.

If they start fucking on the floor... Nova cringed in silent disgust.

"We saw Kyra," Feyre smiled as she sat beside him. "We'll all be going to the bonfire at Windhaven tonight."

Rhysand arched a brow. "Oh, are we?"

Nova accepted the invitation.

With a nod of understanding, Rhys moved his chess piece to counter Azriel's move. "Sounds like it will be fun."

For once, Nova didn't dread the upcoming event. If they'd be in one of the Illyrian training camps, maybe it would feel more like the Island. Perhaps she'd feel more at home.

The clang of steel ceased, and Nova raised a brow just as a sensual groan drifted down the hall.

"They know we're here, right?" Nova asked.

Rhysand rubbed the back of his neck, "I thought they did."

The only response Azriel gave was to rub his temples. It must have been rough nights of sleep at the House of Wind with those two sharing the same walls.

"Are you ready for an archery lesson?" Nova asked as the sounds of the throes of passion increased.

"Exceedingly, " Feyre replied as she stood from her chair. "I'll meet you outside."

In agreement, Nova started for the door just as Azriel asked Ana if she'd like help hanging her plants inside her cottage.

Rhysand tilted his head backward, "We've not finished our game, you know."

With a quick wit, Ana took a step, picked up Azriel's game piece, and moved it across the board to vanquish Rhysand's King. "There," she said, smiling as Rhysand buffeted a laugh and conceded with a nod of approval.

Outside, Nova waited patiently for Feyre in the training arena, staring at the obstacle course from the archery arrangement.

"Nova," Rhys called, and she turned to look at him. He grinned and said, "Go play."

"Are you ready?" Feyre's voice pulled her from her memory, and she looked over.

Raising her brows, Nova couldn't believe what she saw. Her mother, who always looked so soft in her beautiful gowns, wore thick Illyrian-style armor. Blinking, Nova parted her lips to speak, but nothing emerged. Now, looking at her, she saw...herself.

Nova smiled, "Ready."

Without further hesitation, Feyre walked to the collection of bows and arrows. Displayed in a weather-proof case, the equipment was well taken care of.

"I'll have you use this one today," Feyre said, combing through the wooden bows. "You'll begin with a trainer bow. When you master this, I'll teach you recurve. You already have a keen eye, so I imagine it won't take long." Glancing at her, Feyre asked, "How tall are you?"

"Six foot two."

Feyre pulled out a bow on the far right and offered it to her. "Your arm span is probably seventy-six inches, give or take. This one should work fine. If it's uncomfortable, let me know."

Retrieving a few arrows and her longbow, Feyre saunted toward the first mark. Ahead of her were three targets. It was like watching magic as she unleashed her arrows into the red centers with a thud. For an hour, Feyre taught Nova the basics of using a bow, and though she had only clipped the edge of the target by the end, Nova was sure it was something she could eventually master, given enough practice.

"Just as Cassian mentioned before, moving targets are different," Feyre said as she wiped the sweat from her brow and hung their bows. "Soon, it will become part of your muscle memory, and I hope you never need to use it on a person, but in case you do, you'll have the experience."

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"Thank you..." Nova trailed off and met her mother's eyes. "I know the past few days have been a bit strained," she swallowed, "But I'm happy I'm here."

Smiling, Feyre touched her shoulder lightly with gentle affection, "As am I."

They retreated into the kitchen to eat the leftover peach cobbler Ana had made the day before. Leaning over the counter, fork in hand, Nova smiled.

"You hated him?"

Feyre nodded around a bite, "Hm, I did. Granted, while teaching me to read, he had me write, 'Rhysand is the most handsome High Lord.'" She rolled her eyes with affection.

Nova snorted, "I would have thought it the way you are with each other."

"It hasn't all been hugs and kisses. Speaking sweet nothings. As time moves, people change with it. We can often only hope it's for the better, but sometimes it shows different facets of yourself. The sides you're most ashamed of. But the person who loves you most, truly loves you, will look at each side- the good and the bad in raw detail, and they'll love you anyway. That's not to say you should keep everyone in your life that does bad things, just those who are willing to see their errors and take responsibility for them."

Nova speared another chunk of spiced peach and settled it against her tongue. "I don't think," she paused and glanced up at her, then took a leap of faith and tried again, "I don't think I could ever be that open with someone."

Pursing her lips into a smile, Feyre nodded, "Many of us think the same until that one person somehow changes our minds. We don't anticipate it. It often just happens. One day, you may look back and think, how have I lived my whole life without this person? That's how you know."

"Know what?"

"That you're in love."

Nova thought it was a nice sentiment, but she wasn't sure love was in the cards for her. Sex, certainly, but love? The only person she'd felt anything for was Adira; even now, she didn't experience what Feyre described. She missed her, but she didn't find herself pining in the middle of the night or wondering what life would be like without her.

Fuck, I'm selfish.

"How did the archery lesson go?" Rhysand asked, entering the kitchen.

"Very well," Feyre declared with satisfaction. "Is everyone ready to go?"

He nodded and leaned back against the wall, smiling as he observed them.

Not daring to query his gaze – she'd had enough emotional growth today – Nova pushed herself off the counter and followed them into the main room. With almost everyone in attendance, aside from Mor and Amren, Rhysand asked, "It's a considerable distance. Would you like to fly?"

Nova stiffened instinctively, but she couldn't recall why. "I'll walk."

Smiling, Ana offered her arm, "Would you like a walking partner?"

"It would be my honor," Nova replied with a flourished bow, earning a few laughs, and while the rest left the townhouse and took flight, Nova and Ana walked.

Nova sighed as they began the long trek, "I'm sorry. You didn't have to walk with me. I'm a big girl..." Then she wagged her brows at her. "You know, you could have gotten a ride from Azriel."

Blushing, Ana scoffed, "That pun better not have been intended." When Nova grinned, Ana continued, "For someone who doesn't want to talk about relationships, you seem awfully interested in mine."

"You're right, I'm sorry."

It was a very long walk but a peaceful one. They hardly spoke as they enjoyed each other's silence, basking in the sounds of nature. By the time they could hear shouts of laughter ahead, Nova's interest had peaked. The sun was setting, taking the humidity with it, replacing the air with a chill that covered her skin in goosebumps. Through the distant trees, she watched a rising flame flicker against the darkening sky.

Entering the clearing, Nova raised her brows, trying to take it all in. The camp was designed similarly to the Island's, offering a wave of comfort as she and Ana ventured further. People, mostly Illyrian, but others too, congregated all over. Nova realized it wasn't just one bonfire and multiple locations where people could gather to socialize. They tramped back and forth, holding tankards that sloshed amber liquid as they walked.

Ahead, not far from the sparring ring, was her family. They sat comfortably on logs; the light of the fire cast wicked shadows over their sharp features. Even while they laughed, they were intimidating.

Cassian grinned from his seat beside Nesta, "Everyone's been asking about you."

Raising a brow, she glanced at Feyre, who sheepishly said, "Kyra isn't as quiet as Peter..."

Sucking in a soft breath, Nova nodded with understanding. She saw no fault in it; She hadn't told Kyra explicitly not to speak about her, but she also didn't like the sensation that coiled in her belly knowing she was on the minds of others.

"Alright, well-" Nova was cut off by another voice cutting through the night.

"You made it!" Kya exclaimed as she bounded over, holding her tankard firmly in one hand and gripping an exquisite blonde by the arm with the other. "You remember Sara, don't you?"

Nova pursed her lips and smiled politely, "I'm sure we got along well."

Smiling shyly, Sara brushed her golden hair behind her pointed ear, "It's good to see you, Nova."

"Likewise."

Two drinks in Kyra signaled over her shoulder with a head tilt. "The others are waiting over there if you want to join."

Immediately, her eyes flashed to Nesta, then Feyre, before finally landing on Rhysand. If she couldn't decide who to treat more like a parental figure, Feyre or Nesta, then she'd look to her father.

"Do you mind?" She asked.

"Have fun," Rhysand answered with a sly grin.

Nova knew she didn't need permission; she was an adult. Still, she didn't want to run off if they had something else planned. Everything would be fine, she thought as she crossed the clearing with Sara and Kyra. Even when they had get-togethers on the Island, Nova tended to stay to herself. She'd find a corner and reside there until Adira came over and tried to convince her to join closer.

She had no idea why she was allowing Kyra to lead her into the wolf's den.

"It would help if you stopped scowling," Kyra whispered with a laugh.

Raising her brows, Nova glanced over at her. "I am not scowling."

"You look pissed."

Nova snorted, shrugged it off, and continued until they arrived at another massive bonfire. It was surrounded by people who laughed and jabbed at each other. Talking as if they'd known each other their whole lives- they probably had. What could Nova possibly bring to the table with a group like this?

"Woah," someone said, Nova's gaze flitting to him.

Tall, an inch taller than her, the Illyrian was broad and fit. His dark hair was quaffed as if he'd flown here. His full lips curved into a wicked smile and dark brown eyes- he was attractive and knew it.

"I'm Finch. I can't imagine you'd forget me," Finch looked Nova up and down and said, "Damn."

Nova narrowed her eyes before focusing on Kyra, who began introducing everyone.

"That's Finch. You don't have to pay attention to him," she gestured from left to right. "Cyrus, Bran, Caspian, and you know Peter."

Offering a polite smile to all, she warmed a little at the sight of Peter. It was nice to see a familiar face.

"I don't remember much, so... I suppose I'll just say it's nice to meet you all."

Bran smiled and nodded in her direction, "We're thrilled you've returned."

Staring at him for a long moment, a flash of a memory surfaced in her mind. A blood-soaked ground and the sound of a whip lashing through the air. Nova examined his wings and swallowed harshly, staring at the deep scarring. She couldn't see all of it, only the tips, and yet she knew. Somehow, she knew...it was her fault.

"Let's sit and eat." Kyra walked to the bags Nova hadn't noticed nearby and rifled through. Eventually, she pulled out a stack of bowls and utensils. She tossed them to Finch, "Make yourself useful, pretty boy."

"She thinks I'm pretty." Finch winked at Nova before releasing a huff as the bag collided with his gut.

Nova didn't hesitate to sit next to Peter, but keeping herself from looking at Bran wasn't easy. A strange guilt gnawed at her belly, threatening to take over the beat of her heart. Glancing over, she met Bran's hazel, patient gaze and quickly turned back to Peter.

"How was business?" She asked.

Smiling, he nodded, "It was good. It was not as busy as yesterday. I imagine it was too hot for some people to want something from the oven." He chuckled.

"Is it true?" Finch asked as he passed out the bowls while Kyra ladled stew into each dish.

Nova arched a brow, "Is what true?"

"Are you a Valkyrie?"

"I am," Nova replied quietly, digging her heels into the dirt, "I see you all train exceptionally. Your obstacle course looks fierce."

Finch smirked, "It is..." He trailed off as he stood before her, offering her a bowl. "And I set the record on it. Can't say I was too disappointed to break yours."

"Oh," Nova nodded slowly, "Congratulations."

Groaning, Finch handed a bowl to Peter. "I've been waiting years to rub that in your face, and that's all I get? You're not going to challenge me to beat it?"

This certainly wasn't a conversation Nova had anticipated having, but she couldn't help but smile. "You...want me to challenge you?"

"Absolutely, I do. Everyone says I only beat your record because you weren't here to set a new one. I think that's bullshit." He smirked, finally sitting beside Bran, who fought his own smile.

Nova nodded as she dunked her spoon into the rabbit stew and took a bite. "So, you want me to challenge you to your record on the obstacle course to prove you still hold the record?"

"That's really all I'm asking for."

Exchanging a glance with Peter, she tried to gauge if Finch was serious or if this was some elaborate prank on the new soldier on the block.

"He's serious," Peter answered with a chuckle as he swallowed a spoonful of broth.

"We'll get back to that later," Kyra said as her brow twisted into an uncomfortable scowl, "Where's Hollis? Didn't you say he was coming?"

Bran nodded, "He was supposed to," he looked around, his brown hair shaggy over his forehead as he peered through the trees, "I haven't seen him, though."

"Maybe he's with Reign," Finch smirked, wagging his eyebrows.

Kyra made a gagging sound and rolled her eyes, "He needs to get rid of her."

Reeling back, Finch shook his head, "Are you insane? Have you seen her?"

"Have you?" Kyra shot back. "She's a walking menace. You only want her around for the chance you might get lucky. Have you heard her talk to him? She's a controlling, narcissistic bitch, and if he doesn't see that now, he'll be stuck with her forever. Bran agrees."

Bran sighed, having not wanted to be pulled into this debate, but shrugged as Finch gaped at him, "I don't think they're suited for each other. That's all I say."

"And what I'll say," Kyra began, "If she talks to me in that condescending tone one more time, I'll stick her ass in the Sidra and see how fast it freezes over."

Finch smirked and leaned his back against the log, opting to sit on the ground instead. He crossed his ankles and talked around a bite of potato. "Okay, maybe she's wrong for him, but I swear, I can fix her."

Now Peter rolled his eyes and chuckled, "Of course you can. Aren't you supposed to be focusing on the Blood Rite?"

Nova's perked a little and glanced at Peter, "What's the Blood Rite?"

"They haven't told you?" Kyra asked, brows raised. "Sorry, I'm just surprised. It's basically a right of passage for Illyrians."

Finch nodded, "You're dropped off alone in the forest with no supplies and have to make your way to the mountaintop." Nova followed the trajectory of his finger and stared at the snowy cap in the distance. She looked back at him as he continued, "You can't fly, can't use magic, and you can't receive aid from others. You have to make it to the top. It's like a badge of honor if you manage it...most don't."

Nova nodded, "And you intend to partake?"

Kyra, Finch, and Bran nodded.

"I tried," Caspian offered, his voice like gravel, "I failed. It is not for the weak. You need mind, body, and spirit to make it through. I'm Oristian, meaning I made it to the mountain but not the top. It all began with Enalius..."

Nova listened intently to the haunting origins of the Blood Rite, and the more she learned, the more she knew she wanted to do this. To follow in the footsteps of an Elite warrior like Enalius was something Nova instinctively knew she needed to do.

"You look interested," Bran mentioned, tone neutral.

"I am."

Smiling, Bran nodded, "I thought you might."

The time came to collect bowls, but Nova wasn't sure what to do. Sit here and continue talking? She watched Finch move on and travel somewhere else in the camp, along with Sara and Cyrus. Even Caspian left to mingle.

"Come on," Kyra offered as she stood, "I'll show you around the camp."

Glancing at Peter, he smiled and said, "I'll keep the fire going with Bran."

After a moment of hesitation, Nova stood and walked with Kyra through the scattered collections of people. It seemed Kyra knew everyone there, and they knew her. People they'd start to pass would stop them from talking, ultimately ignoring Nova, which she was perfectly fine with.

That was until they walked through a horde of Illyrian males, and one gave a low, distinct whistle.

"Hey," he said, moving to block their path, "I haven't seen you around before. Did you just join the ranks?"

Nova looked at Kyra, expecting her to answer, but then realized he was talking to her. Frowning, she turned back to stare at him. "I've just arrived, yes."

"Hm..." He murmured, looking her up and down as he chewed his lower lip. He appeared like a larger version of Finch. Much larger, Nova realized as he stood at the same height as her Cassian with nearly the same bulk.

"I'm Quinn," he said as his wings extended a little, ruffling them out as if he were stretching. Maybe he'd had a strenuous workout, Nova thought. "Do you want to go get a drink?"

"I'm not thirsty," Nova replied politely.

Quinn quirked a smile and chuckled, "Alright. It's a beautiful night," he paused, watching her intently, "Would you want to enjoy it from the trails with me?"

"To run?"

Quin raised both brows now as his lips quivered into a grin, "Uhm..."

"Would you excuse us, just for a moment?" Kyra smiled as she wrapped her fingers around Nova's arm and pulled her to the side, just far enough so he wouldn't hear her hushed voice. "Nova," she moved to stand in front of her, having to look up to meet her eye-line, "What are you doing?"

"Conversating."

"No, that's..." Kyra bit back a smile. "Nova, Quinn is flirting with you."

Nova stared at her for a long moment before glancing at Quinn, who chuckled with the other males while drinking another swallow from his tankard.

"You were on an Island of female warriors, so I understand if you've never had a realtionship-"

"I have had a relationship."

Kyra paused and nodded slowly as it sank in. "Alright, even better. Are you interested in anything Quinn...or anyone else has to offer tonight?"

"Sex?"

"Yes, Nova. Sex and the like. If you're not interested, tell him no. Believe me, Cassian and Azriel have done a lot to ensure safety in these camps, but if you are interested, you must let him know you are."

"I should tell him I want sex?"

Kyra pursed her lips, "I mean, yes, if you want it. But not like that."

Nova furrowed her brow and shook her head, "If it's going to be this complicated, I'd rather just go back to ignoring people."

"No, it's fine," Kyra assured, "You're just...romantically illiterate."

Nova frowned. She wasn't sure if that was a compliment. "What am I supposed to do then?"

"Flirt back."

Nova sighed, "At the risk of sounding 'romantically illiterate,'" she rolled her eyes, "How do I do that?"

"Okay, Illyrian men love showing off their wings when they flirt. Wingspan matters."

"Why?"

"Because the biggest wingspan wins the prize, Nova," she sighed exasperatedly, "I don't make the rules. You can touch his shoulder or arm, but not his wing. You save that for a more private area."

"Like the woods?"

"Yes, exactly."

Nova sighed. Why did all this seem like so much more work than running on the trail?

"Quinn's a good guy," Kyra supplied, "Just be yourself and try not to overthink it."

Too late, Nova thought and inwardly cringed. Nodding, she set her jaw with determination. She could do this- she could flirt. What was the worst thing that could happen? Finally, Nova walked back to the males. It was a group of six or seven, all speaking in low voices.

"Hey," Quinn smiled, his hazel eyes drifting over her again. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes," Nova answered easily. Despite their eyes on her, all of which looked her over the same way Quinn did – and the way Finch did, now that she recalled – she didn't feel intimidated. Her shoulders were squared back, sizing them up as she would with any warrior.

"I don't suppose you'd want to share?" The Illyrian male next to Quinn elbowed his side but was met with a harsh side-eye from him. "Just joking..." He quipped back with a sly smirk.

Nova furrowed her brows, trying to understand what was expected of her here. Did she really want to have sex, or was she only trying to fit in and socialize the way her family expected her to?

"Still interested in that trail run?" Quinn asked, his voice a soft purr. "But I will say, I won't go easy on you..."

Nova scoffed, "Going easy on me is the definition of an insult."

Grinning wide, Quinn nodded, "Then how about we..." He looked over her head. It was nice standing near him, like a wall that blocked away the things around them. "I," he paused again, "I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"

"I didn't..." She frowned with confusion. "I'm Nova."

Realization settled in Quinn's gaze as he looked down at her, and all the others around him also stiffened. "Oh," he smiled politely, "It was a pleasure to meet you, but I forgot we were going to go get a drink and...you said you aren't thirsty..." He pursed his lips and nodded to the group, who shuffled away, whispering to each other.

Frowning, Nova watched them. She picked up on a few words.

"Their niece..."

"Off-limits..."

"Not worth the risk..."

Nova turned and looked over her shoulder to see what Quinn had been looking at. Her family sat at their bonfire, talking and laughing together. Almost everyone seemed to be having a good time; even Nesta was smiling. Everyone... except for Cassian and Azriel. Who stared at the place Nova stood. Intense scowls warped their features, and she realized, as she looked back to where Quinn and the others retreated like wounded pups, that they had quite literally scared them off.

"Hey, what happened?" Kyra asked as she emerged from the shadows. "I thought it was going well. Did you tell him to leave? Did he say something to you?" She glared after Quinn.

Nova shook her head and ground her teeth, willing the pain in her chest to remain where it was and not redden her eyes. "No, he did nothing wrong," Nova's lip curled as she glared at the ground, "And neither did I."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kyra asked, brows furrowed with concern.

"No," Nova took a deep breath to center herself, "I'm going back to the bonfire." Maybe Peter's presence could keep her from unleashing the vulgar language on the tip of her tongue.

Her theory was correct. As soon as Nova sat beside Peter, she could breathe without the shake of anger in her chest. It was still there but no longer kept her lungs squeezed together. Most had returned, aside from Caspian, who, according to Finch, was having some fun off in the woods.

Although Peter was a calming balm to her fury, Nova was restless as she bounced her knee up and down. The ache in her bones to move her body was too much to ignore.

She finally conceded.

"Finch," she addressed him.

"Yes, Starfish?"

She smirked and said, "I am challenging your record."

His sleepy smile swiftly turned into a wolfish grin. "Let's see what you've got."

"I'm not missing this," Kyra grinned as she stood, "You in Peter?"

"Do I want to watch Finch fall to the ground sobbing as his record is smashed? Yes, I do." Peter grinned as he took the bucket of water and doused the fire until it was mere embers.

Nova rolled her eyes but couldn't keep the smile off her face. "Anything can happen." She reminded them. "A record doesn't define a warrior."

"Scared?" Finch smirked.

"Not remotely." Nova shot back.

Chuckling, Bran led the way to the obstacle course opposite where her family was. Thank goodness, Nova thought as they walked past Quinn and his crew. She didn't spare them a glance but could feel Quinn's eyes on her as she walked. She didn't hate the feeling of his attention, but she wasn't sure she liked it either.

"Here it is, tried and true," Finch smirked as they approached the space.

A tingling of familiarity brushed against Nova's mind, and she looked at Bran. "You climbed the pole to retrieve the key?"

Bran chuckled deep in his throat, "I did." It was all he said, and Nova knew better than to continue the conversation, especially here. If it was connected to the lashes against his wings, she wasn't sure she was ready to venture down that path.

"Alright," Finch pulled her attention back to him. "You must move through the obstacle course in under four minutes and fifty-two seconds."

"Who keeps time?"

"I will," Kyra said, taking out her watch, "Don't worry, I'll be unbiased. If you win, he'll bitch all night about it, but if you lose, he'll gloat. It's a lose-lose situation for me."

Nova smirked as she slowly unzipped her jacket and shrugged it off her shoulders, revealing the heavy muscles she hid beneath. Riddled with various scars and burns. At least here, it was expected to have a trainer's body; it didn't feel the same in the townhouse where everything was so elegant. She never needed to hide away on the Island. Most didn't expect a petite frame from a warrior. Still, a slight unnerving sensation covered her skin as she realized Peter looked pale, his lips slightly parted as he stared at her.

"Damn," Finch smirked, "You don't play around, do you?"

Nova glanced at him and smirked. "Talk to me after I kick your ass." Okay, maybe she was getting a little cocky.

Bran bellowed a deep laugh as Kyra grinned and held up her watch, "Ready. Go!"

Nova took off for the first section of the obstacle course; it was laid neatly, and it was easy to see what she had to do from one task to the next. The set up was similar to that of the Island, but somehow smaller. She was sure of it. It resembled closer to the Advanced camp rather than the Elite.

Hooking her fingers through the net, Nova climbed up and over as she diligently monitored how the net swayed in the wind so that it would not trap her ankle in its twisting grip. The following section was a horizontal high bar further extended with two more bars leading to the next section.

"How many?!" She called out.

"Ten!" Bran answered.

Rather than climbing back down the other side of the net, Nova launched herself from the top to the high bar with deadly accuracy. Crossing her ankles, she pulled herself up past her chin ten times, then reached forward and threw herself at the mercy of the other two bars that ran parallel to the sky. Moving her left hand forward, then her right hand, she pulled herself ahead until she dropped onto the platform on the other side.

Nova dove beneath the barbed wire, pushing through the clumps of sticky mud as she ignored the raking fingers of the wires she cut at her exposed skin. At least she'd kept on her t-shirt beneath, or else she wouldn't have wanted to put her bra back on for a day or two. She emerged from the other side and was met with a new task. Heavy logs alternated heights, but she didn't hesitate to skid over the top of the short log and plunge beneath the tall.

Finally, she could see the end but didn't dare stop as she climbed the rope to the top and rang the bell that stood twenty feet above. She slid down, making sure she moved her legs at the last instant to ensure she didn't snap her leg when she hit the ground. Ignoring the burns on her palms, she sprinted ahead and climbed the last obstacle, the wooden pole, as fast as her body would allow her.

Panting, Nova pulled herself up, using every last bit of strength she had left to keep her thighs clenched around the pole while her fingers were sacrificed to splinters as she clawed her way up. She ignored the loosening hair that caressed her face, placed both palms on the top of the pole, and hauled herself to the top—turning her body to sit precariously on the top.

Looking down, she tried to catch her breath, only to realize everyone from the camp had wandered over. Her body flushed scarlet as her family grinned at her, but she immediately wanted her jacket back on as Quinn and the others stared up at her with wide eyes.

"Three minutes forty-six seconds!" Kyra called out, and the camp erupted with what sounded more like thunder than applause.

Nova waited until her limbs felt less like jelly before climbing down. The sudden adrenaline and exertion relieved most of her pent-up aggression. Or...so she thought because she didn't meet Cassian or Azriel's eyes as her family approached her wearing proud smiles. The frustration that evaporated while on the course was back in full force now that they stood before her.

"You never cease to amaze me," Cassian beamed.

He was glowing with admiration, but Nova could only give a weak, tight smile as she nodded. Drawing a crowd hadn't been what she wanted; now, she could only think about putting her jacket on.

As she was thinking about it, Nesta held the article of clothing to her, saying, "You'd do well not to misplace this. It's very expensive."

Nova nodded in silent understanding and slipped it on as her friends bounded over.

"Okay, yes, you beat my record," Finch said, but rather than appearing upset, he was grinning, "Until next time of course."

Smiling, Nova laughed, "Until next time."

As the energy simmered down and people began drifting here and there, Nova was greeted by more Illyrian and Fae than she'd ever thought possible. She tried to keep them in good spirits and entertain them, but she wasn't interested in having the same discussion over and over.

She should have meditated longer today...or purchased a patience stone at the crystal shop.

With remarkable timing, Peter stepped in just as Nova's brow twisted into a scowl and her shoulders tensed.

"It was, wasn't it," Peter took over the conversation with a delighted grin, offering Nova a chance to slip away into the cover of trees.

There, in the shadows, she collapsed against tall sycamore and sighed. She usually trained in private so as not to have so many eyes on her at once, and even if she trained in the open on the Island, no one ever congregated around to watch her. Everyone minded their business and completed their own tasks.

"Are you alright?" Bran's soft voice drifted to her as he entered the forest.

Nova leaned back against the tree and shook her head, "I don't...like people." She cringed. That's an awful thing to say. She shook her head and tried again. "I don't like people in my space."

A soft, throaty chuckle escaped his throat as he leaned against the tree opposite from where she stood. "I know the feeling," he paused to assess her, "But as excited as they were to meet the Star of Velaris, you handled it very well."

"I'm hiding."

Bran grinned and nodded, "Yes, well," he smirked, "You didn't try to bite anyone."

The points of Nova's ears tinged red. "I bit you on the course. Cassian mentioned that." Her gaze drifted to his wings, which were more splayed than before against the tree. She cringed. "I've hurt you a lot," Nova frowned as she swallowed the grief and guilt that threatened to emerge. "I'm so sorry..."

A calm, thoughtful expression settled on Bran's features. "The day I got these scars is the day we met and the day I vowed to protect you," he whispered. "I do not regret that day."

The image of seashells flying across the room as Bran lay motionlessly on the carpet surfaced like something left to rot.

"I thought he'd killed you..." Nova began, "It was because of me..." She clenched her jaw as tears welled in her eyes.

Fuck. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"Nova," Bran moved forward but kept a safe three feet away from her as he gazed at her. Eyes filled with deep affection, he murmured, "I've told you before, and I will tell you now. It will always be my honor to protect you."

Nova met his eyes with a shaking breath before she finally nodded and released a soft sigh. In what way did she deserve a devotion like that?

She knew she didn't.

"No one will beat that record," Cassian gushed as they entered the townhouse.

Still caked in sweat and mud, Nova started up the stairs. They'd all walked back together, and she'd ultimately ignored her uncles during the entire trip. She knew she had to bring it up, but walking back a long distance with little to no escape from the awkward conversation was certainly not the time.

It seemed Azriel had taken notice, as he asked, "Nova. Is everything alright?"

Turning, she was met with his concerned gaze. Everyone was silent as they watched, unsure what to do with their feet. Should they leave and let Nova talk to Azriel, or should they stay in case something was wrong?

Was there something wrong? Feyre wondered as she looked between Nova and Azriel.

Leaning against the banister, all eyes on her, Nova sighed. "Honestly? I don't appreciate being told to socialize, and then when I do, you scare away the people who want to talk to me."

"Oh," Cassian trailed off, eyes widening as he glanced at Az and back to Nova. "Nova, we didn't mean any harm..."

"That sounds more like an excuse than an apology."

Rhysand placed a hand on the small of Feyre's back. "Well, this sounds like a private conversation."

They left Azriel, Cassian, and Nova and retreated outside. Silence filled the space, and Nova wasn't sure if she was supposed to stay on the stairs or walk back down.

"Do you want to sit down and we can talk?" Azriel offered, frowning.

"Not really..." Nova sighed. "But I suppose we need to because this... will not work for me if we don't lay ground rules."

Cassian cringed slightly and nodded, "Right..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Let's sit. We can talk about this."

Oh, Mother above. Were they going to talk about their niece's need for a sex life?

Kill me now, Cassian grumbled internally.

They quietly settled into the sitting room, Nova on one couch and her uncle's on the other. She was quiet for a long moment before finally saying, "I understand you want to protect me, and I appreciate it. I do. But I am not a child, and you have no right to treat me like one," she met their gazes.

"I'm so sorry, Nova," Cassian finally said. "When we saw Quinn take an interest in you...I can't speak for Az, but I panicked. I know you're not fifteen anymore, but fuck..." He frowned. "The thought of you getting hurt, especially if I could prevent it-"

"You can't prevent it." Nova rested her cheek on her palm. "At the risk of sounding entirely too crass, if I can fuck or not fuck whoever the fuck I want," she rolled her eyes, "Although Kyra says I'm romantically illiterate. So that probably won't happen any time soon. Why is wingspan so imporant?"

Azriel snorted while Cassian cringed through an uncomfortable grin, "We don't have to talk about that."

"Noted," Nova nodded.

"I'm sorry, too," Azriel murmured, "I promise this will be the last time I ever interfere in that part of your life."

Nova remained silent, not looking at them but past them, as she took their apologies in. It wasn't that she couldn't forgive them; she could, but the act felt so invasive. Like she was something to be controlled, and it sent a slithery, slimy feeling down her spine.

"Nova?" Cassian asked, his voice suddenly sounding a bit worried. "Nesta mentioned that control is very important to you- it's vital to anyone, and we crossed that line today. We'll always protect you. That's not something we can stop, but if you're afraid we'll break that boundary again, I assure you, we won't."

Nova swallowed and finally let herself look at them. Their faces, now worried that what they'd done was unfixable, settled heavy, numbing guilt in her chest. Yes, control was important to her. But if she severed their connection, she knew, in time, she'd regret it.

As Cassian's shoulder slowly deflated, Nova pursed her lips into a thin line and said, "You know, on the Island, Emerie had us do different drills across bodies of water. Sometimes, we had to swim, with and without clothing. Other times, we had to build log bridges to get across.

"There was a time when a girl joined the Advanced camp. It was her first day, and Emerie told her to shadow me, but it was the worst thing she could have done that day." Nova cringed, not meeting their troubled gazes as she continued. "We built the bridge without problem and started to cross, but the new girl...she slipped. When she did, she grabbed me, and we both went into the water."

Nova had to stop for a moment as the memory rushed back. Taking a deep breath, she continued through a strained voice, "When I went under...I panicked. Instead of kicking us both to the surface, I held her under." Moisture touched her eyes as she imagined the body of a freckled seventeen-year-old lying on the bed of rocks with blue lips. "When Emerie got us to shore, she wasn't breathing."

"Nova..." Cassian murmured. "That's not your fault."

"It was my fault," she said, a little too harshly, and looked up at them, "I let my fear overwhelm me and I killed her."

The air grew thick with weighted silence.

"That's why I put my face in the water when I train," Nova said, lower lip quivering as she avoided their eyes. "Partially to desensitize me so that when it inevitably happens again, I can take control..."

Control.

"And also as...a punishment, because what right do I have to breathe when she can't?"

Before Cassian or Azriel could respond, Nova quickly said, "In case you need to know why I do what I do. For training purposes."

"Nova..." Azriel began.

"If what you're about to say isn't something to work against my weaknesses, then you won't be forgiven for tonight and I don't want to hear it."

Cassian nodded slowly and exchanged a sorrowful glance with Az before turning back to Nova, "Well, first, you need to look at us."

With effort, Nova let her gaze fall on them.

His smile was nonexistent as he said, "You're afraid of drowning. Let's talk techniques. I'll admit, putting your face in the water while training is a good first step, but you'll need to go bigger if you want complete control over that fear. Bodies of water aren't only shallow puddles."

Nova thought back to panicking in the bathtub and cringed.

Azriel said, "If you're caught in battle and fall into a river or a lake, the water will surround you. You felt what it was like to partially drown in calm waters, but with ocean waves crashing overhead, you'll need to practice in the rip tide. The channel will force you into the ocean, and to return to shore, you must remain calm. A practice in patience is sometimes needed against the forces of nature."

Nodding, Nova leaned forward, "If I'm pulled under and can't reach the surface, is it better to move to a different location beneath?" For the next hour, they exchanged information and experiences regarding drowning and water as an entity.

They didn't mention the bonfire incident again.

Soon, Nova was freshly showered and dressed in comfortable night clothes, crawling into her warm, plush bed. The firm softness of the mattress cradled her aching muscles. She hadn't stretched before or after the obstacle course, and now she regretted it.

The softest thud on the bed forced one of her eyes to open. She watched Potato walk in a tight circle at the foot of her bed before nestling comfortably with her feet tucked beneath her body. Nova smiled and closed her eyes, letting her gentle purrs lull her into a deep sleep.