Eighteen's Bed-Chapter 16.1: My Breaking Point (1)

“You scared me. You said something so weird.”

“Honestly, it wasn’t that weird.”

“Yes, it was weird.”

Looking back, my mistake actually turned out to be helpful. Because of that mistake, we now had something to talk about. To be honest, the only thing I had to start a conversation with Shin Jaehyun was "Why did you ignore my messages?" But with this awkward atmosphere, I now had a chance to throw in a joke or two. It worked out well.

I pretended to hesitate and sat down at an empty desk a little distance away. I thought it looked pretty natural. Then, to keep the conversation going smoothly, I teased Shin Jaehyun, who was blushing.

“Are you taking this too seriously?”

“Ah, well, it was a bit much for me. It was a little weird.”

“Was it really that weird?”

“Usually... if someone says something like that...”

Shin Jaehyun mumbled and trailed off. He probably didn’t want to say something that would harm my reputation, but my conscience had already been pricked by a thousand tacks.

“Americans are more conservative and biased than I thought.”

“Americans? I’m Korean, you know. And Korea is just too dull.”

“That’s funny, isn’t that all based on American standards? You... Confucianist.”

“No, Korea is kind of unique. You know, same-sex physical contact and awkward compliments between men are pretty common here.”

“Is that really enough to say? That’s narrow-minded.”

“No, it’s not. It’s actually not a good thing.”

“Why?”

“Well, that’s because they ignore the very existence of homosexuality. So that kind of physical contact and remarks are seen as normal. But you don’t really see that kind of thing between opposite sexes.”

Shin Jaehyun cleared his throat and gently stroked his reddened neck, continuing his words.

“Especially you, you shouldn’t do that.”

“Why me?”

“Because you’re good-looking.”

“......”

I think I must have looked at him a bit drowsily without meaning to.

“Don’t look at me like that. I was speaking objectively, very objectively.”

“Oh, really?”

I was about to let it go. I didn’t feel like getting into a back-and-forth over my pride right now.

“Yeah, well, I’ll try to fix my phrasing.”

“Liar. You half ignored it.”

“......”

But Shin Jaehyun ignored my effort to move past it and insisted on bringing it up again.

“I’m not joking. You really need to think seriously about this. Honestly, the level of what you say really depends on your appearance, you know.”

“What?”

A thought I hadn’t expected shot out of Shin Jaehyun’s mouth. That sentence, coming from Shin Jaehyun? My face turned pale in disbelief. Shin Jaehyun smiled awkwardly, as if embarrassed, and fumbled with his words.

“Was that a bit of a discrimination comment about appearances? It was a little, right? If it bothered you, I’ll apologize.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter to me, it was actually a good thing.”

“That good thing... I’m not so sure about that.”

“Hey... just let it go.”

“By the way, I’ll just say this.”

I asked him sharply because I was getting annoyed with his lecture-like tone. Only then did Shin Jaehyun try to tidy up his words. But his attitude was still quite rude. At least, it felt rude to me.

“To put it bluntly, the things good-looking people say come across differently to others.”

The word good—he made a little gesture with his index and middle fingers, flicking them twice. It was still such a strange habit.

“I’m just concerned.”

“Concerned? About who?”

“Of course—about you.”

“......Hah.”

Shin Jaehyun looked down at me from above. For a moment, it felt like he was stepping on my head. A chill ran down my spine. My protective instincts flared, and I snapped back at him.

“Are you teaching me now?”

“I’m not teaching you. I’m saying this for your own good, on purpose.”

“Who the hell asked you to do that? And I don’t need any concerns.”

“You really think that?”

“Yeah, I really do.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think so.”

Now, Shin Jaehyun’s voice had a sharp edge to it. He must have been angry at me for not listening to his stubbornness. Again, I just couldn’t connect with this guy. He made me feel uncomfortable, physically.

“What do you know?”

“What? It’s not me, it’s the people who are quick to pick up on things. They just keep quiet about it.”

“What? What the hell do you know?”

“You pretending you don’t know? You don’t want to know?”

“So, what is it?”

“Wow.”

At last, Shin Jaehyun’s calm voice broke, and I heard him raise his voice for the first time. He sighed in disbelief, then slapped his own head with one hand. Then he raised both hands, cupping the back of his head, and let out a frustrated groan.

“Wow, I can’t believe it. It’s like they say, the darkness is right under the lamp.”

I felt just as frustrated.

I thought as hard as I could, but I still couldn’t figure out what Shin Jaehyun meant. What the hell was that? What did he want to say? I wanted to scream, but I had my own social sense of propriety. So all I could do was clench my fists and stare at Shin Jaehyun. I hoped that if our eyes met, he would finally give me an answer.

Shin Jaehyun brushed his hair back and seemed to think for a moment before finally making eye contact with me.

I sent a look that demanded an answer. But Shin Jaehyun just calmly swept his chest with his gaze, the tension melting away instantly. It was an incredible sight.

“No, I’m sorry for shouting.”

“......”

Is it really possible for someone to change so suddenly like that? I forgot to be angry and just observed his strange change. In an instant, the kind and easygoing Shin Jaehyun that everyone knows was back. He put on his polite face again and placed his hands on his waist, saying,

“I’m sorry for trying to teach you. Even I think that wasn’t the right thing to do.”

“......Okay.”

“You?”

“Me?”

Shin Jaehyun looked at me gently, almost as if making a suggestion. I saw the faint mask he wore. It was something I knew all too well. Just like I did, he had his own facade. Suddenly, I felt a mocking thought. He’s just pretending to be kind, just like me. With half-lidded eyes, I caught a fleeting glimpse of the truth through the cracks.

“If you have nothing to say, then that’s fine.”

“......”

“It’s fine. I wasn’t forcing anything. I’m not upset. I created this situation in the first place, so it’s my responsibility.”

But the reason I couldn’t get angry like I did earlier was probably because, deep down, I could feel that Shin Jaehyun was actually a good person. Watching the same Shin Jaehyun return with that previous smile, I hesitated for a moment before speaking up.

“Let me ask you something.”

“What is it?”

“What don’t I know?”

Shin Jaehyun furrowed his brows and made a face like he had realized something. Then he said,

“I made a mistake. Forget about it.”

“Forget about it? This is the second time you’ve said that.”

“The second time, huh?” Hearing that word, Shin Jaehyun’s eyes widened. Huh? His gentle voice asked.

“You’re telling me to forget, and this is the second time.”

“Oh...”

“You say something like that, get people curious, and then just ask them to forget it without any responsibility.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

His long fingers brushed his nose. He seemed embarrassed. But Shin Jaehyun didn’t finish his response. He just glanced at me and then started saying something incomprehensible.

“But can’t you tell me?”

“Yeah, I can’t.”

“Even though it’s related to me?”

“......”

“Shin Jaehyun, you’re really looking down on me, aren’t you?”

Did you think I would just let it slide like last time? Last time there was a time limit because of Go Yohan, but now there isn’t. That means, I have the freedom to confront Shin Jaehyun.

“You tell me not to praise others, lecture me about my tone of voice, and then say it’s because you’re concerned about me? And then you say I don’t know something, and tell me to forget it because it’s not my business? Wow, Shin Jaehyun is so kind, huh? Now I see you’re just a patronizing bastard.”

“Hey, Kang Jun.”

“Did you help me just out of volunteer work?”

Today is the day I got my first twelfth place, the day I received some bullshit praise from Go Yohan, and the day I was reminded that there’s no such thing as a genuinely kind person. Everything just pisses me off. Everything is irritating.

Yeah, damn it. Honestly, Shin Jaehyun didn’t really do anything wrong. He was just unlucky enough to face the irritable Kang Jun. He doesn’t have any obligation to tell me what he knows. The evil I lashed out was just a reflection of my desperation, and it felt pathetic.

Ah, Kang Jun. Really embarrassing. Who am I venting to? My face turned red. My neck shrank in discomfort. I finally spoke in a small voice, my head hung low.

“I’m sorry for snapping at you. Don’t worry, I won’t pretend to be friendly again.”

Then I packed my bag. I threw it over my shoulder and turned around. A few steps later, the door was right in front of me. Once I open this door, it’s over with Shin Jaehyun too. I knew, Shin Jaehyun and I just don’t match. There’s no way I could ever like someone like that.

Damn it. As I was wondering how I was going to escape from Go Yohan, Shin Jaehyun suddenly spoke up.

“Me too.”

I froze, my hand that was about to open the door stopped.

“I’m scared of Go Yohan too, Kang Jun.”

I turned around. In the place of the mysterious, unique boy, there was now just an ordinary high school student you could find in any classroom. Just by turning around for a moment, in that brief instant, Shin Jaehyun looked like he had shrunk by an inch. And oddly enough, I wanted to mock that tiny scared boy.

“Me too?”

But the words I was about to spit out were stuck. The truth was, I too, I too was uncomfortable with Go Yohan.

“Don’t lump me in with you. Are you really scared of just some high school kid?”

And also, sadly, my life, lived with pride and pretension, doesn’t easily collapse.

“And why are you even bringing Go Yohan up?”

“Well, it’s a story that needs to be told.”

His calm voice sank deep. The tone was so calm, like water, that it made me feel unexpectedly calm too.

“Do you know what the kids have been saying behind your back lately?”

As soon as Shin Jaehyun asked, he added more words himself.

“When Han Junwoo was around, it was better. You know that unique friend. I feel bad spreading this around about him. I keep feeling bad, but... I think the kids aren’t missing Han Junwoo himself, but rather Go Yohan’s attitude when he’s around.”

“...You must’ve misheard something. Who the hell would miss that gay bastard?”

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“Kang Jun, that’s really cruel.”

His gentle tone suddenly hardened. It was clearly a tone of reproach.

“There’s no need to disrespect him like that.”

“What? Ha! You’ve got to be kidding. Hey, what do you know?”

“And maybe they do miss him. At our school, when there’s nothing else to talk about, one of the things that comes up is Han Junwoo. Every time, the last thing they say is, ‘Did you see Han Junwoo looking at my ass in the bathroom?’ So, should I also say Han Junwoo was after me?”

Of course, that’s what I heard too. That’s what I was scared of too. But why? Having read my thoughts, Shin Jaehyun lightly scratched his cheek and smiled.

“I knew you wouldn’t get it.”

“You’re just cursing.”

“You really don’t know, do you? They like him.”

That was truly an absurd statement. The shocking, unbelievable words coming from Shin Jaehyun made him laugh lightly as he saw my expression and continued.

“Han Junwoo bragged that he had feelings for me.”

“What...”

“Do you know why the kids bothered you when you were distant from Go Yohan? It was just something between Go Yohan and you, right? But it was especially harsh on you. They weren’t like that to others. Even kids like Yeonjun. What’s the deal with that? Why did they do that?”

Shin Jaehyun lowered his voice.

“They were jealous of you.”

It was exactly the same thing my parents had said. I was stunned by the absurd interpretation and shook my head in disbelief.

“That’s absolute nonsense.”

“No, it’s true. They wanted to bring you down.”

“They probably just didn’t like me.”

“Yeah, they didn’t like you... for a different reason than you might think.”

“A different reason?”

“To the kids, you’re not Kang Jun. You’re Go Yohan’s best friend, right?”

“......Hey. You.”

I wanted to tell him that his words were too harsh, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Why am I not Kang Jun? Even though I wanted to snap back, my mouth wouldn’t open. Shin Jaehyun was openly digging into my reality. Suddenly, too.

“Didn’t the kids who pushed you aside say that about you? You were almost like Go Yohan’s... Sorry.”

“......It’s fine. Say it.”

“Yeah, the kids were teasing you, calling you Go Yohan’s mistress or wife.”

“......”

“Sorry, I saw it in the science lab.”

Shin Jaehyun pretended to wipe something away with his hand.

“Don’t you think that’s pretty blunt?”

“What? You’re saying they completely disregarded me and belittled me?”

“No.”

It was a firm rebuttal. There was even a slight pride on Shin Jaehyun’s face, like he was showing off his insight, like a child boasting about their wisdom.

“You don’t seem to understand. There’s more to actions than what meets the eye. Even missing Han Junwoo is like that. Male high school is so barbaric. The instincts of males and beasts coexist.”

But I agreed. I was drawn in by his insights, as if I were under a spell. The truth, which had broken through in a direction I hadn’t considered, revealed a world I had never imagined. The most shocking thing was that I couldn’t argue with it. Even as I groaned, I focused on Shin Jaehyun’s words. He understood male high school better than I did—more precisely, he had seen it clearly and sharply.

“A man, you know, has the most complicated feelings toward other men. It’s harder than liking women.”

“What? That’s nonsense.”

I was genuinely horrified. How could anyone speak such blasphemous things so casually in a male high school? I asked in a shaky voice, surprised, and Shin Jaehyun continued, lowering his voice. There was a faintly smug expression on his face.

“Don’t think so? Think about it carefully.”

“......”

“Wanting to be recognized by a strong man, wanting to be protected by him, and wanting to be strong yourself... those conflicting feelings are in everyone’s behavior. It’s a blatant wish. Men only feel that obsessive emotion toward other men. It’s a hot, primal desire that’s different from liking women. Isn’t it?”

I tried to refute it, but I couldn’t. All I could do was awkwardly wave my hands and lean against the wall. That seemed to provoke Shin Jaehyun even more. He took a step forward, and his smile widened.

“That’s why the kids miss Han Junwoo. They both want to be recognized by Go Yohan and want to bring him down at the same time.”

“......Han Junwoo already lost to Go Yohan and was kicked out of school. He’s just a loser.”

“Yeah. That’s when I thought Go Yohan was a smart guy.”

“What? Why?”

“Look at the timing.”

Shin Jaehyun probably hadn’t planned to say this much. He spoke in a slightly elevated tone, more excited than usual. This was a sign of his subtle excitement.

“When Han Junwoo exposed his weakness, Go Yohan waited for the perfect moment and brought him all the way down. The kids didn’t idolize Han Junwoo, they called him a ‘pervert,’ and when they thought about missing him, they made sure to call him the same ‘perverted bastard.’ After that, he was left with a pathetic name.”

“I know Go Yohan is clever, but that wasn’t about timing. It happened because Han Junwoo did something weird.”

“No, I’m sure Go Yohan hated him since the beginning of school. Very much so.”

“No, they were close. Go Yohan and Han Junwoo were close from the start.”

The closeness between Go Yohan and Han Junwoo had felt natural to me.

“No.”

But Shin Jaehyun asserted without hesitation.

“I’m sure.”

“......”

“From my point of view, Han Junwoo’s mistake wasn’t that he liked men. It was that he considered Go Yohan a friend.”

“......What?”

“There’s no ‘Go Yohan’ next to Go Yohan. That’s why he can be stronger than anyone. I’ve always wondered, why doesn’t Go Yohan keep anyone decent by his side? Have you ever thought about that?”

“He doesn’t like anyone better than him. He doesn’t like losers either.”

“Yeah, but why do you think he would’ve hung out with Han Junwoo?”

“Because they were both good...?”

I stiffened as I tried to say it.

No, that didn’t make sense. Why would someone who hates people better than them hang out with Han Junwoo? Especially when he called him pathetic? That simple question whispered a clear answer in my mind.

“See, doesn’t it make no sense to you?”

“Wait, so... are you saying that Go Yohan pretended to be close to Han Junwoo for over a year, just to bring him down? That whole time?”

“Yeah.”

Shin Jaehyun flicked his index and thumb together to make a sound, continuing.