Eighteen's Bed-Chapter 16.2: My Breaking Point (2)

"And right now, the 'top dog' standing next to Go Yohan... is you."

"......."

"I’ve always wondered why that was. What’s your case? Objectively speaking, you’re not on equal footing with him. You’re below. The answer was simple. Instincts always come from the subconscious."

"......Then, what do you think my case is?"

"I didn’t want to say this."

The voice, once filled with certainty, softened into something faint.

"I’m genuinely afraid of Go Yohan. I want to be careful. I’m just an ordinary high schooler, after all."

Shin Jaehyun clearly had a genius-level ability to read the flow of conversations.

Maybe it was because of the prolonged bullying he endured when he was younger. That thought crossed my mind. But there was one thing Shin Jaehyun overlooked. I’ve spent my whole life pretending. No matter how angry I was, I never crossed the line. No matter how much I hated something, I never let it show. Just like Jaehyun has his assets, I have my own.

"Jaehyun."

I knew how to charm people.

"...You’re sharp."

I was good at pretending to be genuinely surprised. I lowered my head, clutching my chest tightly with my hand—for added dramatic effect.

"I never even considered it that way before. You really caught me off guard."

"That’s just from living my whole life watching my peers. Especially through the chaos of puberty. In a foreign country, no less."

"...I see."

When Shin Jaehyun gave me a soft smile, I smiled back lightly and added, almost in a whisper:

"...Yeah. I was just putting on a front. I’m scared of Go Yohan too. Sorry for acting tough."

As expected, the world’s best at playing the victim—Kang Jun. I mimicked the look of a frightened high schooler. It wasn’t hard. What I just said wasn’t a lie. It was just... exaggerated truth. From what I’ve seen, Shin Jaehyun has a soft spot for people he pities.

"But I believe you’ll understand. You know me, Jaehyun. You know what I’ve been through. How Go Yohan has treated me."

"...Kang Jun."

"You must’ve helped me because you understood. You saw that we shared a similar experience. And you didn’t even mention it, not wanting to make me feel burdened. I know that too."

"......."

"And when you thought you’d get caught by Go Yohan, you quickly pulled back. I know that too."

Jaehyun could act composed all he wanted, but he was still a middle-tier player in the social pyramid. He had the means to lend a hand, but he couldn’t break free from his class. Shin Jaehyun could shift between layers, but he was born with the fate of never reaching the top and never wanting to sink to the bottom. Just like me.

The only difference was—I had Go Yohan’s leash. Jaehyun had none. That’s where our paths split.

At my words, which carried the edge of a reproach, Jaehyun’s expression twisted slightly, as though guilt had pricked his conscience.

"...I didn’t have a choice."

"Yeah, I know. I don’t blame you. I’d have done the same."

The fact that he offered an excuse before an apology told me everything. I had him. Jaehyun, weak against both the powerful and the powerless. And I was ready to offer him a way out of his guilt.

"But... you can tell me now."

"Huh?"

"You know I made up with Yohan. Everyone in our class knows that, right?"

"...Yeah."

"To be honest, I have no idea how we ended up making up. Or more precisely—I don’t know why Yohan stopped being angry."

That was the truth. I didn’t understand how things had turned out like this. The only choice I made was to 'take the safest route.' And somehow, I lost control.

"But... I don’t ever want to go back to how it was before."

So yes, I was desperate. Truly desperate.

"You get it, right? How desperate I am. You know what it’s like to feel isolated, to be driven insane by it. Living five days a week in hell. Even the weekends aren’t a relief. The stares, the whispers—feeling like every glance is about you. You know that feeling. You’ve felt it too. You understand, don’t you?"

"...Jun."

"I want to know. Why is Go Yohan keeping me by his side now?"

"Kang Jun."

"I need to know. So I can prepare. I’m not blaming you. I’m not even asking for your help. But if you won’t tell me... then you’re just standing by and watching. Just—trust me. I won’t say a word. No one will know you told me. I swear. You can trust me."

"Ah, Kang Jun, it’s—"

I sniffled, wiping my face with the back of my arm. At the same time, I let the pained expression I was forcing crumble naturally. Then, lifting my head, I looked at Shin Jaehyun with the most pitiful expression I could muster.

The second he saw my face, Jaehyun, flustered, reached out and wiped it for me with his sleeve—carefully, barely brushing my skin. His eyes softened with pity as he looked at my swollen, tear-stained face. And with a sigh, he relented.

"You’ll keep it a secret, right?"

"Yeah. I promise. I won’t tell anyone."

"Well... Go Yohan is..."

Jaehyun hesitated, then, after a brief pause, spoke.

"Go Yohan is gay. And... he likes you."

"What?"

"In a... very sexual way."

The absurdity of his answer hit me like a slap. I swear I could hear the gears in my head grinding.

"...What did you just say?"

"I figured you’d understand what that means without me explaining further. You’re a high school boy, after all."

"Wh—what the hell? Wait, what are you even—?"

"I don’t know. Maybe... try kissing him or something. See what happens."

The audacity—was he serious?! That was not what I meant! I wanted to know how he knew—where he got this from! But Jaehyun, completely missing my point, looked at my stunned face and chuckled awkwardly.

"Relax, I’m joking."

"You—You’re fucking insane! That’s not even funny, you psycho!"

"Look, all I’m saying is—he’s acting like this because he wants something from you."

Jaehyun scratched his neck, his face betraying a flicker of unease.

"So, I wanted you to be careful. But if I say this recklessly, it might end up insulting Go Yohan, and I’ve been wondering if it’s unnecessary to say anything to you... I actually thought you’d have noticed his feelings to some extent. But the fact that you didn’t really surprises me. I must’ve taken it for granted."

This wasn’t shocking. What Shin Jaehyun said next sent a much stronger gust of wind through my mind. It shook me deeply.

"Maybe it's because there are rumors about Go Yohan."

"Rumors... what rumors?"

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"Ah, that."

"What rumors? What kind?"

"...I think someone’s been spreading bad rumors, so the atmosphere’s a bit tense."

"The atmosphere is tense..."

"There are just malicious words floating around randomly. And among those rumors, of course, there were some about you. Around me, there was the incident with Han Junwoo, but people are saying, 'Would Go Yohan really do that?' But I think... it’s pretty much the truth."

"...!"

Damn it, I instinctively tried to make excuses.

"Maybe it’s a misunderstanding? You might’ve misjudged. People often think that way when they hear stuff. Since there was the Han Junwoo thing, maybe people are just randomly suspecting everything, right?"

"Your argument makes sense, but there are too many things that are just... uncomfortable."

"Uncomfortable? What do you mean?"

"Like, when Go Yohan was bullying you."

Shin Jaehyun spoke carefully. I tried to read every movement of his lips. I didn’t know why. I just seemed to be caught up in the idea that I had to protect Go Yohan’s reputation and automatically rejected anything that would put him in a bad light. Or maybe it was because I thought if Yohan got exposed, I’d be exposed too. Either way, it was clear I was desperate.

"That attitude... it was really something."

It seemed like Shin Jaehyun wanted to soften his words, so he waved his hands in the air. After a brief pause, he squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again.

"Anyway, it was a bit like that."

"...He’s always like that. He’s a bit weird."

"No, it’s not that. It’s more like... it was more weird."

"Yeah, I mean, he’s always weird."

I desperately denied it. I forced a stern look on my face, hoping Shin Jaehyun might find my firmness puzzling enough to retract his statement. But Shin Jaehyun didn’t disappoint me.

"No. Usually, when people are bullying, they don’t act like that. I know this best. I’m the expert. The thing that happened when you went to the hospital recently—it’s part of my daily life. That kind of bullying is what I’ve experienced."

"That’s just a misunderstanding. Not every situation is the same. Go Yohan only acts like that with me because I’m useful to him. Han Junwoo did the same to me. My parents always trust me unconditionally... I’ve helped Go Yohan a lot, even did his homework for him sometimes."

"Hmm, but you didn’t do your homework alone with Han Junwoo."

Ugh. I bit my lip involuntarily. But my desperate attempt to change Shin Jaehyun’s mind didn’t stop. I couldn’t let someone else hold onto this kind of thinking. I tried again to convince him.

"...Go Yohan likes unusual things. His personality’s weird, too. It was the same last time. He was pretending to be gay, messing around with Han Junwoo to tease him. He’s just an attention-seeking freak."

"That wasn’t for attention. He’s cleaning up the situation, in my opinion."

Another strange statement. I narrowed my eyes and asked:

"Cleaning up the situation? What does that mean?"

"Kang Jun, if we really treat Go Yohan like he’s gay and act all proud about it, what do you think will happen?"

Thwack. Shin Jaehyun slapped his left palm into his right fist. The sudden sound made me jump, my hair standing on end.

"You already have a friend who crossed the line and ended up like this."

The standing hairs on my skin sent a sharp shiver down my spine. I immediately remembered—especially Kim Minho, who kept calling Go Yohan gay and provoking him. I didn’t even need to confirm Minho’s current state—it was clear.

"It’s not a joke. It’s a violent test. If you fail it, you’ll be the target of bullying."

"......."

"You’re being too cautious. And you don’t want anyone to notice your caution, so you cover for yourself. That’s why everything you do ends up as a lie. But you’re not smart enough to cover it up, so you get caught every time. There’s a difference between long-term lies that have a purpose and short-term lies that come out of anger. That’s why Go Yohan’s lies are clumsy. And even that clumsiness gets covered up by his pride. He even makes stupid lies on purpose, hoping they get exposed."

Shin Jaehyun shrugged his shoulders and continued.

"If he was really confident, he wouldn’t test people like that."

I felt my mouth go dry. My mind felt like it was being scrubbed clean with an eraser. Shin Jaehyun’s new "Go Yohan paradigm" was truly innovative. I couldn’t afford to dismiss him as just some talkative fool. How many people in this school had figured out that Go Yohan was insecure? Shin Jaehyun wasn’t just anyone.

"And because of that, I think he started paying attention to you."

"...I don’t know. I can’t believe you."

"My opinion is, you seem like a really well-crafted person to me."

Just a moment ago, he was hesitating, and now he was spilling words like a broken dam. It almost seemed like he was bragging a little. As if he was trying to say he had more insight than the obvious academic smarts that showed on the outside. But it was also undeniable.

"You’re good-looking, your family’s good, you’re smart, and your reputation is good. Go Yohan really likes that refined self-control. He can’t do it himself. I sometimes think Go Yohan actually hates studying."

"What? No way. He works super hard. He’s the type that would if he could... or so I heard."

"Where? Who?"

From him. But I didn’t want to make any more assumptions and decided to lie.

"I heard it from people in Go Yohan’s group."

"He’s just copying you, isn’t he? Pretending to study hard, pretending to manage his network."

"Stop talking nonsense. Go Yohan? That arrogant piece of shit? Would he really do that?"

That was outright disrespect for Go Yohan. But Shin Jaehyun’s "sacrilege" didn’t stop there.

"Isn’t he doing it because he’s arrogant?"

"......."

"How do you think he sees himself? He probably thinks he’s not meeting the standards. The people around him are suffering because he’s acting that way, not because he’s actually falling short, but because he thinks he is."

"That..."

"For Go Yohan, 'a perfection higher than himself' can only be two things: either something that makes him jealous and he hates, or something he wants to have. Han Junwoo is the former, and you’re the latter, aren’t you? Did he ever try to make you feel sorry for him? He probably has a habit of squeezing out his own misery even harder. It’s because he’s arrogant. He makes his little misfortune seem like a huge tragedy in others’ eyes. Using his misery as a weapon."

"I haven’t, he didn’t do that."

"Wait and see. Soon enough, he’ll do it, and then you’ll have no choice but to believe me."

I reflexively spat out that it wasn’t true, but Shin Jaehyun’s words shook the very foundation of my thoughts and values. The proof was in my reaction.

Maybe it was because I couldn’t stand the blasphemy against Go Yohan, or maybe it was because all the data I’d accumulated over the past two and a half years had been discarded, leaving me frustrated. I just wanted to shout out "No!" But in contrast to my words, I could feel an overwhelming persuasion gripping my soul.

"...Is it really okay for you to say such things to me when you’re afraid of Go Yohan?"

This was my subtle threat. I mentioned Go Yohan’s name instead of mine. Shin Jaehyun took the threat more seriously than I expected. The face of someone deeply thinking about it was reflected in the sunset.

"Well, that’s something I shouldn’t be doing."

"Then why are you saying it so easily?"

"You asked me to."

Damn, I had no response. Well, it was better to listen. After all, the perspective of someone like Shin Jaehyun, who had connections, could be helpful.

"And if I don’t tell you, you’d be the one getting the short end of the stick without even knowing it. I feel sorry for you."

"Hey, is Go Yohan liking me really that big of a disaster?"

I really don’t get people’s minds. I got mad over that statement. Why would Go Yohan liking me be a disaster? Damn, is it a disaster if a guy likes another guy? The insults toward Go Yohan feel like they’re attacks on my very existence. Does that mean that I, a real gay guy, am the disaster itself?

"Why are you so angry?"

"Why?!"

I almost shouted but immediately snapped back to my senses. In an instant, I realized how irrational I was being. Getting angry in this situation was crazy.

"Because you’re being so hypocritical, it’s funny and absurd. You act like you’re all for anti-discrimination, but behind the scenes, you’re insulting him like this."

"Oh, I misunderstood. It’s not discrimination... No, actually, it might be discrimination against Go Yohan."

"What’s the difference?"

"There’s a difference. Go Yohan is scary."

And in the end, that was the conclusion. He’s scary. Such an honest answer left me speechless.

"It’s because you might end up in a scary situation. I’m not trying to discriminate, I just want to help those who might become victims. I used to wish someone had helped the old me. Sorry, this might sound like pity."

And then I lost my words in a different way. Honestly, it felt a little heavy. I couldn’t find the words to say. It was a complex feeling. It was as though my emotions were being tightly molded into dough. Frustrating, sorry, and unpleasant.

"What I meant was, I hope you handle this wisely. People like him—if they snap, you don’t know what they’ll do. Like a shooting incident out of revenge, but that wouldn’t happen in Korea, right?"

"There’s no way that could happen. There’s no way what you said is true."

"If you still think that way, there’s nothing I can do, but... Oh, it’s already this late."

Shin Jaehyun glanced at his wristwatch in surprise. Even his actions seemed oddly unique. He grabbed his bag from nearby and stuffed the book on the desk into it. After packing everything in his bag, he turned to me to say goodbye.

"I’ll leave now, and please, I trust you. You’ll keep what I said a secret from Go Yohan, right?"

"Do you trust me?"

I asked again, feeling a bit uneasy. Surprisingly, Shin Jaehyun’s voice was clear, almost without any trace of worry.

"I think you know it’s in your best interest to keep quiet."

"So that’s why you told me."

"I’m good at reading people. Well, I’ve never had many friends, so I’ve spent my life observing people."

"...That’s kind of creepy."

"Everyone does it, right? Everyone makes assumptions about others. I just have a little more talent for it, that’s all. Can you move aside for a moment?"

"Wait a second."

"Yeah?"

I hurriedly grabbed Shin Jaehyun as he was preparing to leave. I had a question I urgently wanted to ask. How did Shin Jaehyun hear such things? Who was it that was insulting Go Yohan? Where could I find this disgusting jealousy? I was anxious. I had to uncover this secret, but only as long as I wasn’t suspected.

"How did you come to think like that? I mean, how did you hear those things? The rumors about Go Yohan. Where are all these ridiculous stories spreading?"

"Ah, well..."

Shin Jaehyun scratched his nose with his finger. He seemed almost embarrassed.

"They think of me as either one of their group or just a casual acquaintance who can say anything. Then they talk freely. Opinions come out at all levels, high or low. It actually helps."

"...So you heard various opinions from an unspecified majority."

"From a statistical standpoint, it’s a good sample. There’s an advantage when you don’t belong to a group."

"No, I think it’s only possible for you."

Usually, if you don’t belong to a group, you get isolated. Shin Jaehyun, who maintained balance, was truly impressive. I had to admit that. I decided to give him some credit. My compliment probably came out of nowhere. Shin Jaehyun blushed and rubbed his head.

"Thanks for the compliment."

I’d heard what I needed to hear. His hand, which had been gripping his clothes, slowly relaxed. I withdrew my hand and reassured him once more.